Step Aside, Roseanne

Can someone tell me why there are still reruns of Roseanne on television? This is beyond me. She's just another untalented fatty with an abrasive and annoying voice. Her show was unfunny at best, and much worse if you get critical at all. And worst of all, it airs on Nick-at-Nite, a network which has the power to air such awesome old school shows.

Roseanne fucking sucks and her show is a disgrace to late night television.

Et cetera

A couple updates:

- As you may or may not know, I am once again home in Ithaca for the semester break. It's been a slow few days thus far, aside from working. I do, however, have off until Saturday, so I am currently looking at an extended period of lounging and general slothing around the house (and maybe even outside the house if I feel ambitious). If anyone wants to join me on my quest to see as much live jazz music in town as possible over break, hit me up.

- It's hard to believe that Christmas is less than a week away. It seems to come faster with every passing year. I haven't bought anyone presents yet, and unless I'm related to you by blood, you probably shouldn't expect one. I'm just a great friend like that.

- During my last night at school before break, I successfully completed my first attempt at Edward 40 Hands. A great time was had by all, and I will have pictures to post soon.

- A while ago I posted articles that I was working on. Come to think of it, that was over Thanksgiving break. Damn, I really am lazy. Anyway, I am still working on those and I promise they will be up at some point in the near future.

- I hope everyone is having a great break so far. More to come on Nothing Standard Here very soon.

What would your last words be?

I wasn't passionate enough to feel strongly either way about Stanley "Tookie" Williams being executed. I'm sure everyone is at least somewhat familiar with the case by now. It has been all over the news lately. I don't know enough about the case to have an informed opinion on it, so I won't venture there. I don't even know how I feel for sure about the death penalty in general. What got me thinking is what my last words would be, were I confronted with certain death and given a chance to say them.

So I pose this question to you, readers: What would your last words be? Would they be serious? Insightful? Funny? Depressing? Would you say anything at all? Don't put yourself in Tookie Williams's situation; What would your own personal last words be? Post your answer(s) on the comments thread for this post. Whether I know you or not I will publish the comments.

Deaf Couple

I have not laughed as hard in a long time as I did when I read this article:

Copulating deaf couple unaware of own volume

Some of my favorite parts:

--Officers responding to the calls found the sexual activity of a deaf couple to be the source of the noises, which were described as "cacophonous" by witnesses.

--According to Zipelli, "It sounded as if they were bludgeoning a cow. There would be a low moan, like a 'moo,' and then a 'bang' and a higher-pitched 'moo.' It was like 'MOO...BANG...MOOO!'"

--The sounds wouldn't stop-they kept getting louder until the floor was shaking.

--"We thought she had broken a leg or something," added Julie Klein. "The moans and thumping sounded like she kept hitting the wall, but her boyfriend was there too. I thought he might be beating her, but I was afraid to intervene."

--...interlocked in a "deafening tangle of sheets and frantically signing hands." After yelling a short while, RSO's had to physically stop the couple from their activity.

--We didn't have any idea that we were louder than anyone else. I just get so excited sometimes.

...and best of all...

--"This can't go on every night," Zipelli told the couple. "I like eavesdropping on hot loud sex as much as any other RSO, but if these noise complaints keep coming in, I'm going to have to cite you."

The responding officer likes eavesdropping on hot loud sex! I don't know whether I find this to be disturbing or hilarious. I think it's probably a little of both. Wow. At least this deaf guy is big pimpin'. I give him a lot of credit for that. That really was the funniest shit I have read in a very long time, though. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did.

This is fucked up

Read this story:

Boy: Parents made me stay in 'box'

There are so many things just really fucked up about that article. It really makes me thankful to be me. As shitty as life can be, I am never in any sort of predicament like these kids are. Some people are just so fucked up; I don't even know another way to describe these parents. Making their kid write out the whole book of Deuteronomy? Are they serious? It figures that they'd be Bible-humpers. Oh well. Just thought I'd post this for anyone who might think their life is shitty. At least you don't live in a cage.

In completely unrelated news, Will has an awesome post about super powers that he just put up. Check dat shit out right chea.

The Fatkins Diet

One of the top things I hear about (on television, in magazines and newspapers, in online ads, etc.) is weight loss. Everyone has a new diet. And everyone's diet is "the most effective" or "the fastest way to lose weight." Well I have devised a very simple, very effective diet for everyone to try. It isn't the fastest way to lose weight, but I guarantee (and by guarantee, I mean I think) it works. Even for those of you who have supposedly tried every diet and been unsuccessful at reaching your desired weight. My method is fool-proof, fail-safe, and best of all: it's FREE!

1. Eat less food than you do right now. If you can't control yourself, eat only bread, celery and oranges and drink only water.
2. Don't eat fast food. Ever.
3. Take bigger shits. More goes out, less stays in. Pretty simple concept.
4. Walk one mile a day. If you are too fat to do this, whenever you walk to get food, walk there and back twice before eating. Keep doing this until you are able to walk a mile, fatty.
5. Eat less food.
6. Be active. Any hobby will do, as long as it is not watching television, playing video games, or anything else that enables you to sit around all day.
7. EAT LESS FOOD!

Sitemeter Referral Funnies

One of the features of Site Meter is the "Referral" statistics. Basically, it tells you how someone came upon your web page (in this case, my blog). An overwhelming amount are from Google searches. I was just looking through the referral pages and came across some really funny stuff. The following are actual searches people did through either Google or MSN and my blog came up as a result:

-->Kirk Fogg (by far the #1 search that led to my page)
-->emo things to put in your aim profile
-->Bathroom Etiquette
-->brooklyn blowout haircut
-->"tiny testicles" jokes
-->toilet flushing etiquette
-->breathalyzer vinegar myth
-->legends of the hidden temple
-->monte carlo deli
-->people who are pro-censorship
-->ricky martin impersonator + fat

The Ultimate in Home Security

Can you tell Sundays are typically pretty slow for me? I thought this was somewhat of a Microsoft Paint Masterpiece, though, and I've decided to share it with you. It's my finest work of art ever. Click on the image to see a larger, readable version. Enjoy!

Dem Be Bitches!

This is one of the funniest pictures I have seen in a long time. I am extremely happy to have that Y-chromosome.

Myspace Morons

I hate these fucking people who send me annoying Myspace bulletins. You idiots flood my inbox with stupid things like surveys explaining who you are (even though I clearly know, because you are my friend - also, I don't care what your favorite kind of chocolate is, your first crush, etc. Please spare me next time.), fake missing children reports, advice on how to live life to the fullest, unwritten rules of life, and, among many others, the one that is by far the most annoying: the "I'm sick of fake friends on Myspace. You have to respond to this or else you will be deleted from my friends list." Oh really? That would be horrible. Here's the bulletin:
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Fake friends
I have to agree with all of you who say people are getting fake on here. So I gave in and let's see who really reposts this.

Why do people who are friends on people myspace list never write back and why do some people have a million friends??

This is a test to see who's paying attention.

It serves to eliminate people who are desperately trying to add "friends" like it's a popularity contest in high school.
This is a test to see how many people in my friends list actually pay attention to me. Copy and repost in your own bulletin. Let's see who the true friends are! and I think I know who are...
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I've gotten this bulletin far too many times; either this exact message, or one almost exactly the same. Have we stooped to a new low as a generation? Are you honestly that confused about who is your "real" friend and who isn't? If you are, I'm pretty sure a "re-post" isn't going to clarify things for you. And if you don't want things to be like high school, don't treat Myspace like it's some sort of fucking judge of your character or something. "This is a test to see how many people in my friends list actually pay attention to me." Right. Re-posting a bulletin is really paying attention to you. I don't even know. That's pretty ridiculous.

In completely unrelated news...my esteemed colleague and partner in crime, Will, is looking for someone to do a new template for his blog. Interested? Contact him or let me know.