The Fatkins Diet

One of the top things I hear about (on television, in magazines and newspapers, in online ads, etc.) is weight loss. Everyone has a new diet. And everyone's diet is "the most effective" or "the fastest way to lose weight." Well I have devised a very simple, very effective diet for everyone to try. It isn't the fastest way to lose weight, but I guarantee (and by guarantee, I mean I think) it works. Even for those of you who have supposedly tried every diet and been unsuccessful at reaching your desired weight. My method is fool-proof, fail-safe, and best of all: it's FREE!

1. Eat less food than you do right now. If you can't control yourself, eat only bread, celery and oranges and drink only water.
2. Don't eat fast food. Ever.
3. Take bigger shits. More goes out, less stays in. Pretty simple concept.
4. Walk one mile a day. If you are too fat to do this, whenever you walk to get food, walk there and back twice before eating. Keep doing this until you are able to walk a mile, fatty.
5. Eat less food.
6. Be active. Any hobby will do, as long as it is not watching television, playing video games, or anything else that enables you to sit around all day.
7. EAT LESS FOOD!