Saturday, July 15, 2006

Grandpa Joe is a waste of life

I am watching Willy Wonka (the original) on TV right now and I've finally become aware of what a waste of space Grandpa Joe is. For one thing, it seems like it would take more than a measly golden ticket to get someone who has been bed-ridden for years up and walking again. But when you think more about it...

Why hasn't Grandpa Joe been working if he is just as able-bodied as anyone else in the house? Charlie works his nuts off for some meager pocket change given to him by the guy at the paper stand, while Charlie's mom slaves away washing clothes and singing depressing songs. The other three old farts (Grandpa and Grandma George/Georgette and Grandma Josephine) seem like they actually are too old and decrepit to do anything besides eat cabbage soup and watch that shitty TV they have. But Grandpa Joe? Oh no! At the mere sight of a golden piece of paper he can dance around the room like a fucking ballerina and sing til his heart's content.

So really, why doesn't Grandpa Joe work? At the beginning of the movie, Charlie brings home a loaf of bread and his mom says that they're going to have a feast. A FEAST! WHAT?! If Charlie's mom is slaving away and Charlie is working, I'll be damned if Grandpa Joe can't get his lazy, wrinkly sack out of bed and get out there to make some paper! All he is doing is being a drain on the family, especially with his tobacco habit. "I gave it up," he says.

Yeah right, Grandpa Joe, I hate you. Get a job.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006


It's widely known that Zidane, captain of the 2006 French world cup team, head butted an Italian player. It has since been rumored that Chuck Norris has contacted Zidane and said that what he did was a pussy move and that it pales in comparison to Norris's own round house kick.

Shown below is what Zidane has planned next:

Not wanting to be one-upped by Chuck Norris, Zidane now plans on head-butting the entire country of Italy. The notion of this happening is really not that far fetched, as Zidane's rage is currently building over the fact that he probably cost his team the world cup.

Seriously though...what a horrible way to go out. He had already announced his pending retirement after this world cup tournament. What more could he ask for? He led his team to the final, it's tied in the second over time period, and what does he do? HEAD BUTTS SOMEONE ON THE OTHER TEAM! What the fuck?! The guy didn't even seem to do anything to him. At most, he said something that got on Zidane's nerves, but come on. Zidane is the captain of the team and should be expected to carry himself a little better than that. Oh well. France got fucked over as their captain and top notch penalty kicker sat in the locker room, hopefully watching his team as they struggled to stay in the game and then lost. Good job, Zidane.

Monday, July 03, 2006

The McDonalds Oversized Straw Conspiracy

Is it just me, or is there a conspiracy going on with the enormous size of McDonalds straws? I don't know what it feels like to deep throat a hollow-dicked horse, but I imagine it can be likened to drinking out of a McDonalds straw. In case you live on Mars or have never eaten at McDonalds because you are a stupid vegetarian or you think McDonalds might not be healthy (it's healthy), this is what they look like:

You can see in the photo (it is an actual photo of a McDonalds cup and straw, never mind the picture quality) that the straw's dimensions are just absurd. 2,048 by 374 feet! Who can drink out of something that large? Well, I can tell you that many try, and few succeed.

True story: I was just at McDonalds earlier today. I had to be at work at 6 and I happened to get there about 10 minutes early. Since McDonalds is right down the street, I decided to get a double cheeseburger and a Coke before my shift started. Bad idea. Not only did my double cheeseburger come WITH A FUCKING PUBIC HAIR ON IT (I'm not lying), but I had an incident with the straw that, surprisingly, has never happened to me before. I was taking a gigantic swig from my Coke (because let's face it, any time you drink from a McDonalds straw you are taking a giant only takes about four sips before you are done with a large drink there) when a fucking humongous chunk of ice shoots up the giant tunnel that is the straw and tears through the back of my throat, causing me to not only choke and almost crash the car, but also to start bleeding. So not only do I feel like retching from seeing that pube on my burger but now I actually might throw up because of the taste of blood in my mouth. Fun times!

I thought about suing McDonalds like that moronic bitch who was so startled by her coffee being hot (what a novel concept) that she spilled it on herself and ended up winning a law suit against the company. But then I remembered that I am too lazy to do anything of that magnitude so I just went to work and got shafted by shitty tippers all night instead.

Sunday, July 02, 2006

It sure has been a while

Yeah I haven't updated my blog in a long time. This is for the following reasons:

1. I am a lazy piece of shit
2. It's summer, so I tend to have nothing to write about, due in most part to reason ..1
3. On the occasion that something really amazing happens, I don't remember enough of it to write about.

Here are some things that I've been thinking about recently.

- If you're in a restaurant, look at all the employees. Find the most disgusting one. Look for the one that's drooling, talks much too loud, has two different colored eyes and oddly placed facial hair, and carries an unrecognizable odor. 9 times out of 10 it's the DISHWASHER! Does this trouble anyone else as much as it does me? The guy washing the fucking silverware that I'm going to be placing in my mouth is the most repulsive person in the building! Think about that next time you're in a restaurant.

- Being a delivery driver for a pizza place that rhymes with Pizza Slut, I get shafted on tips a lot. The other day though, something happened that really pissed me off. I took a delivery of about $25 or so to this housing development a couple miles out of town. By housing development, I mean a cluster of multi-million dollar mansions overlooking Cayuga Lake. Allow me to preface this little gem with the fact that the guy who ordered the food actually had the audacity to place his order under the name DOCTOR JONES. All I asked for was your name, sir, not your fucking profession or level of education. Asshole. So anyway, I take this delivery and it's charged to a credit card. This means he has to sign the piece of paper and write in a tip. He does this, and hands me the slip, and I walk back to my car. As always, I looked at the tip line because I want to know how much money I will get, and I see that this fucking tool wrote in $3 as a tip, CROSSED IT OUT, and then wrote $2. ARE YOU SERIOUS?! This guy who clearly has money coming out his tight ass hole (forget about his huge lake mansion, he made it known to the world that he's a doctor!) thought $3 would be a good amount, then analyzed the situation and deemed that to be too much, scratched it, and settled on $2. What a fucking prick. I literally get bigger tips from people in trailer parks.

-Everyone should check out the band Revision. I saw them for the first time when I was at school and after talking to them learned that they were from Ithaca. Although they tour pretty extensively, I was lucky enough to catch them playing a show in Ithaca last night. Their web site is

Another sweet artist to check out is a guy that jumped on the mic at the Revision show last night. I know him only as Terrordome and he is one of the sickest rappers I've heard in a long time. He's got a great flow and some thoughtful and interesting lyrics. I'm very critical of rap/hip-hop and most of it I find to be awful (especially most of this shit nowadays), but this guy is really worth listening to. Check him out here:

I guess that's about it for now. I have to go deliver pizzas to assholes for a few hours and then come back here to get rested for the upcoming festivities. I'll be spending the next few days partying on Seneca Lake at my boy's lake house for 4th of July. Be jealous. Or call me and join in on the fun. Either way, don't expect any updates here any time soon.