Monday, July 03, 2006

The McDonalds Oversized Straw Conspiracy

Is it just me, or is there a conspiracy going on with the enormous size of McDonalds straws? I don't know what it feels like to deep throat a hollow-dicked horse, but I imagine it can be likened to drinking out of a McDonalds straw. In case you live on Mars or have never eaten at McDonalds because you are a stupid vegetarian or you think McDonalds might not be healthy (it's healthy), this is what they look like:

You can see in the photo (it is an actual photo of a McDonalds cup and straw, never mind the picture quality) that the straw's dimensions are just absurd. 2,048 by 374 feet! Who can drink out of something that large? Well, I can tell you that many try, and few succeed.

True story: I was just at McDonalds earlier today. I had to be at work at 6 and I happened to get there about 10 minutes early. Since McDonalds is right down the street, I decided to get a double cheeseburger and a Coke before my shift started. Bad idea. Not only did my double cheeseburger come WITH A FUCKING PUBIC HAIR ON IT (I'm not lying), but I had an incident with the straw that, surprisingly, has never happened to me before. I was taking a gigantic swig from my Coke (because let's face it, any time you drink from a McDonalds straw you are taking a giant only takes about four sips before you are done with a large drink there) when a fucking humongous chunk of ice shoots up the giant tunnel that is the straw and tears through the back of my throat, causing me to not only choke and almost crash the car, but also to start bleeding. So not only do I feel like retching from seeing that pube on my burger but now I actually might throw up because of the taste of blood in my mouth. Fun times!

I thought about suing McDonalds like that moronic bitch who was so startled by her coffee being hot (what a novel concept) that she spilled it on herself and ended up winning a law suit against the company. But then I remembered that I am too lazy to do anything of that magnitude so I just went to work and got shafted by shitty tippers all night instead.


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