Nothing Standard Here

So you think gas is expensive?

2007-05-07T17:04:00.001-04:00

I got this as a forwarded e-mail; I usually hate that kind of shit but this one is actually pretty interesting so I thought I'd post it here.

So you think gas is expensive?

Here are some comparisons to put things in perspective:

Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29 ... $10.32 per gallon

Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19 ..........$9.52 per gallon

Gatorade 20 oz $1.59 .... $10.17 per gallon

Ocean Spray 16 oz $1.25 ......... $10.00 per gallon

Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15 ......... $33.60 per gallon

Vick's Nyquil 6 oz $8.35 ... $178.13 per gallon

Pepto Bismol 4 oz $3.85 .. $123.20 per gallon

Whiteout 7 oz $1.39 ....... . $25.42 per gallon

Scope 1.5 oz $0.99 .....$84.48 per gallon

And this is the REAL KICKER...

Evian water 9 oz $1.49..........$21.19 per gallon!

*this one I wasn't all that crazy about, because it's bottled water and you can get tap water for next to nothing, but it was kind of funny in the e-mail they pointed out that Evian is "naive" spelled backwards...

So anyway, the next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on Scope, Whiteout, Pepto Bismol, Brake fluid, or Nyquil.

Twitter

2007-05-07T13:16:00.001-04:00

If you have never heard of Twitter, you should check it out. It's sort of a microblogging website, but you can update it from IM or your phone as well. I just made an account a few days ago, so add me on there: http://twitter.com/MyJekyllHydes

follow MyJekyllHydes at http://twitter.com

Carlos Mencia is a hack (again)

2007-03-21T18:46:00.003-04:00

Carlos Mencia is such a piece of shit. I know it's been said that he steals from this person and that person, but here's one I bet you never expected: Bill Cosby! I hate Carlos Mencia. His plagiarism isn't even funny the way he does it. Here's the video:

As of 3/15/07, I still hate blowout haircuts

2007-03-15T19:21:00.000-04:00

Yeah, that's right. They are still as ridiculous as they were the day I posted about them for the first time (over a year ago). I can't believe I still see these things around. All I can think of when I see someone with a blowout is "Was this person trying to go for the Sonic the Hedgehog look today?"

Check out the comments section of my previous post on blowouts: here is the link. The comments these guys leave (and continue to leave, I just got another one today) are so tremendously entertaining, I felt like I should share them with everyone.

Also, it's pretty hilarious that if you do a Google search for "blowout hairstyle," my previous blog about them is the third most popular search result. Yeah, I guess I'm pretty awesome.

Edit: The Google search is now #1! YES!

Can you crack the code?

2007-03-05T21:12:00.000-05:00

So I've taken a recent interest in cryptography, ciphers, and codes. It's so interesting to me that with very little information, some people can crack the most complex codes and decipher hidden messages. After a little bit of reading online, I was able to come up with one of my own, a mono-alphabetic substitution cipher. It's not very in-depth at all, but I thought I'd mess around with it a little.

Here are the hints:
1. The key word is "Tuesday"
2. It is an Edgar Allan Poe quote.
3. The spaces in the code are not the spaces in the actual quote.
4. There is one number in the very last group of characters that is just a place holder, and isn't an actual letter in the word.
5. You will not need to use "zero" at any time. There is the letter "O", and the numbers 1-9, but there are no zeros anywhere.

Here is the code:

6S86R A8L8X Z5AYY SA118 RYF6Z XT5QD J868X 8YYFX 1AYAF JJ3DR 8E8RY YZJ8X T865Y F3ZXL Y5Q86 SZXLO SZTSZ YX568 H8R36 SZXLZ 6YS5A J1M89.

If you don't know what a mono-alphabetic substitution cipher is (I sure as hell didn't until I looked it up), you'll probably want to find out before you start this, or else it might be a little too difficult. Or maybe it won't be. If you have questions or want more hints, leave a comment or send me an IM or something. Let's see who is the first to figure it out...

New List!

2007-02-05T12:00:00.001-05:00

A Comprehensive List of Why You Should Wear Jean Shorts During Winter:

Happy New Year

2007-01-03T15:17:00.000-05:00

Hey all -

Hope everyone had a safe and fun holiday and New Year. My Christmas was good, got the usual clothes/gift certificates/etc but also some really cool stuff. After Christmas, I was treated to a party with some friends that I hadn't seen in years, which was a really great time, albeit brief. I love spontaneous road trips. New Year's was fun too, combining the celebration of the new year with a farewell party for a good friend of mine who moved to North Carolina today.

In other news: I finally got a new computer (in case you didn't know, my old one hadn't worked since August). The motherboard on my old one was shot, so instead of wasting any more money on a computer that is nearly 3 years old, I decided to get a laptop. So I'll be online again most of the time once I get back to school on instant messenger (screen name is still "ohmoche"). With any motivation, maybe I'll even start posting semi-regularly on this blog again. I think I still have that AudioBlogger feature, and that was pretty fun, so we'll see what the new year brings.

Family Feud is Getting Ridiculous

2006-12-04T20:11:00.000-05:00

I love Family Feud as much as anyone else (or maybe more), but the categories nowadays are just out of hand. I can't get over some of them. I realize the show has been on since 1976, but I think they can come up with some more interesting categories. The contestants aren't any better -- in fact, sometimes I wonder where they even find these people. Here are some various Family Feud stories I thought were funny and worth sharing:

---------------------------------------------
Today, as I was watching the show, the third round category was "What is known as a blood sucker?" (not a particularly bad category, but just wait). One lady answers "Leech," a solid answer. Her team chooses to take on the task of identifying 3 more blood suckers. Bad choice, family. The lady whose turn it is next, NEXT, with only one answer on the board, answers as follows:

"Oh geez, I don't know...*waits a couple seconds*...praying mantis?"
EHHHHHHH, WRONG!

Now that's pretty bad. What happened to mosquitos and vampires? Sure enough, they were the #2 and #3 answers, answered in succession by apparently the only other semi-intelligent members of the family. Nothing could have prepared me for what was to come next though. One guy incorrectly guessed something that I couldn't understand, and with his answer in addition to the one given by the praying mantis lady, the team had two strikes this round. With only one guess left before possibly having to fork over their points, the remaining woman comes up with this gem for an answer:

"Hmm...leech, mosquito, dracula...I don't know what else sucks blood. Oh! A goat!"

A FUCKING GOAT?!?!?!? I wish I could convey how confidently the woman answered "goat." It was unreal.

I'm losing hope for humanity.
---------------------------------------------
Question: What is an animal beginning with the letter "R?"

With two strikes already, these responses were uttered:
"Hmm...how about a rangatang? Oh, wait, I think that's an A..."
Clearly she was looking for "orangutan," not "a rangatang" which begins with neither R nor A. Unbelievable. I wonder if that dumbass even graduated high school.
Could it possibly get any better? Oh yes, it can. The next response was, again, said very decisively, as though this woman thought she was about to win all the points:

"A RECTANGLE COW!"

...I'll give you a second to let that sink in...

Ugh, I get a shiver down my spine when I think about how this woman wasn't even trying to be funny with her answer.
---------------------------------------------
Oh wow, this one was hilarious. This dumb fuck completely ruined it for his team by blowing it in the third round. The category was "Name something people usually fail at the first time they try." This guy immediately hits the answer button...AND THEN SAYS NOTHING! Talk about irony!! The expression on his face as he "failed the first time" trying to come up with an answer combined with the irony of the whole situation sent me into a fit of laughter.
---------------------------------------------
Category: "Name a country with 4 letters."
One person said, "China"
Another said, "Asia"
It just never ends, does it?

Fun With Dictionary.com

2006-11-22T14:10:00.000-05:00

(drunkenness) + (boredom) = fun with dictionary.com

I'm not sure if any of you will find this as hilarious as I did, but I started off searching the definition of "ne'er-do-well" because I thought it was a funny word, and it turned into quite the adventure. I've taken the liberty of highlighting the funniest parts of the definitions.

ne'er-do-well
1. an idle, worthless person; a person who is ineffectual, unsuccessful, or completely lacking in merit; good-for-nothing.
—Synonyms 1. idler, loafer, wastrel

good-for-nothing
adj : without merit; "a sorry horse"; "a sorry excuse"; "a lazy no-count, good-for-nothing goldbrick"; "the car was a no-good piece of junk"

wastrel
1. a wasteful person; spendthrift.
2. Chiefly British.
b. a waif; abandoned child.
c. an idler or good-for-nothing.

...and the best word I've heard in a long time...

waif
1. a person, esp. a child, who has no home or friends.

I can't believe that's an official definition for a word. A child who has no home or friends...that's terribly funny. Yeah, being home for break leaves me with way too much free time.

Sir, you're making a scene!

2006-08-27T12:18:00.000-04:00

A couple nights ago, my roommates and I were written up by two RAs for a noise violation. We had come back late on a Friday night after drinking for a number of hours, and we were playing an innocent game of "Don't Touch the Hot Lava!" (For those of you who don't know what that game is...please delete yourself from my friends list because I now hate you. Just kidding, but it's a game where you have to jump from chair to couch to fridge or whatever else is in the room so that you don't touch the floor).

Anyway, we played for about 10 minutes before an RA came and said that we were being "much too loud." Okay, sure buddy. I told everyone that we needed to quiet down a little bit, but being that we were a little drunk and there were 10 of us in the room, all talking at once and doing various things, that was pretty impossible.

A few more minutes go by, and we hear another knock at the door. This time it is two RAs. Great, I guess they think we're hostile or something. The girl RA tells us that we were already warned once and since we didn't obey the all-mighty power-tripping RA commandments, we are going to get written up for a noise violation.

The whole concept of a "noise violation" has been bothering ever since. I'm paying about $4,000 a semester to live here. They're already telling me that I can't drink in my own room. Keep in mind, often times the people enforcing this rule are people who are 20 or younger. I am 21, and being told by an underaged person that I can't drink is something that gets me so pissed off I want to kick over small children. But I'm willing to look past that. Campus policy is campus policy and it's not THAT big of a deal in the scheme of things. But this noise violation bullshit...we weren't even drinking in the room or doing anything illegal. Just conversing, laughing, and playing a little Don't Touch the Hot Lava! And after the warning, we stopped playing and were just sitting around talking. Yeah, maybe we were a little noisy, but guess what? It was Friday night! What are we supposed to do? Not talk or laugh? A lot of people stay up and have fun until the wee hours of the morning. I can understand that they'd want to have people be quiet during the week because of class, but what do people have to do on a Saturday? Sleep in? They need to get used to a little noise. And if they're going to write us up every time we are that loud on a weekend night, they're going to run out of paper quickly.

While they were writing us up, they gave us your typical "we're just doing our job" speech. Give me a fucking break. I was coming back from downtown last night with two of my roommates and we were being very loud, singing and laughing and shouting as we walked along. A cop car pulls up next to us suddenly and says "Hey, shut up!" and then just drove away. He could have easily given us all tickets for drunk and disordery or public drunkenness or something like that, but instead, realizing that there are bigger fish to fry, he just tell us to shut up. You know what that's called? Perspective. That's what these RAs need. "Just doing our job." That's your job, to give people one warning and then get them all in trouble? Sounds like a fun job; I wish I could ruin peoples' nights like that.

Grandpa Joe is a waste of life

2006-07-15T23:23:00.000-04:00

I am watching Willy Wonka (the original) on TV right now and I've finally become aware of what a waste of space Grandpa Joe is. For one thing, it seems like it would take more than a measly golden ticket to get someone who has been bed-ridden for years up and walking again. But when you think more about it...

Why hasn't Grandpa Joe been working if he is just as able-bodied as anyone else in the house? Charlie works his nuts off for some meager pocket change given to him by the guy at the paper stand, while Charlie's mom slaves away washing clothes and singing depressing songs. The other three old farts (Grandpa and Grandma George/Georgette and Grandma Josephine) seem like they actually are too old and decrepit to do anything besides eat cabbage soup and watch that shitty TV they have. But Grandpa Joe? Oh no! At the mere sight of a golden piece of paper he can dance around the room like a fucking ballerina and sing til his heart's content.

So really, why doesn't Grandpa Joe work? At the beginning of the movie, Charlie brings home a loaf of bread and his mom says that they're going to have a feast. A FEAST! WHAT?! If Charlie's mom is slaving away and Charlie is working, I'll be damned if Grandpa Joe can't get his lazy, wrinkly sack out of bed and get out there to make some paper! All he is doing is being a drain on the family, especially with his tobacco habit. "I gave it up," he says.

Yeah right, Grandpa Joe, I hate you. Get a job.

Zidane

2006-07-11T15:04:00.000-04:00

It's widely known that Zidane, captain of the 2006 French world cup team, head butted an Italian player. It has since been rumored that Chuck Norris has contacted Zidane and said that what he did was a pussy move and that it pales in comparison to Norris's own round house kick.

Shown below is what Zidane has planned next:

Not wanting to be one-upped by Chuck Norris, Zidane now plans on head-butting the entire country of Italy. The notion of this happening is really not that far fetched, as Zidane's rage is currently building over the fact that he probably cost his team the world cup.

Seriously though...what a horrible way to go out. He had already announced his pending retirement after this world cup tournament. What more could he ask for? He led his team to the final, it's tied in the second over time period, and what does he do? HEAD BUTTS SOMEONE ON THE OTHER TEAM! What the fuck?! The guy didn't even seem to do anything to him. At most, he said something that got on Zidane's nerves, but come on. Zidane is the captain of the team and should be expected to carry himself a little better than that. Oh well. France got fucked over as their captain and top notch penalty kicker sat in the locker room, hopefully watching his team as they struggled to stay in the game and then lost. Good job, Zidane.

The McDonalds Oversized Straw Conspiracy

2006-07-03T01:37:00.000-04:00

Is it just me, or is there a conspiracy going on with the enormous size of McDonalds straws? I don't know what it feels like to deep throat a hollow-dicked horse, but I imagine it can be likened to drinking out of a McDonalds straw. In case you live on Mars or have never eaten at McDonalds because you are a stupid vegetarian or you think McDonalds might not be healthy (it's healthy), this is what they look like:

You can see in the photo (it is an actual photo of a McDonalds cup and straw, never mind the picture quality) that the straw's dimensions are just absurd. 2,048 by 374 feet! Who can drink out of something that large? Well, I can tell you that many try, and few succeed.

True story: I was just at McDonalds earlier today. I had to be at work at 6 and I happened to get there about 10 minutes early. Since McDonalds is right down the street, I decided to get a double cheeseburger and a Coke before my shift started. Bad idea. Not only did my double cheeseburger come WITH A FUCKING PUBIC HAIR ON IT (I'm not lying), but I had an incident with the straw that, surprisingly, has never happened to me before. I was taking a gigantic swig from my Coke (because let's face it, any time you drink from a McDonalds straw you are taking a giant swig...it only takes about four sips before you are done with a large drink there) when a fucking humongous chunk of ice shoots up the giant tunnel that is the straw and tears through the back of my throat, causing me to not only choke and almost crash the car, but also to start bleeding. So not only do I feel like retching from seeing that pube on my burger but now I actually might throw up because of the taste of blood in my mouth. Fun times!

I thought about suing McDonalds like that moronic bitch who was so startled by her coffee being hot (what a novel concept) that she spilled it on herself and ended up winning a law suit against the company. But then I remembered that I am too lazy to do anything of that magnitude so I just went to work and got shafted by shitty tippers all night instead.

It sure has been a while

2006-07-02T17:17:00.000-04:00

Yeah I haven't updated my blog in a long time. This is for the following reasons:

1. I am a lazy piece of shit
2. It's summer, so I tend to have nothing to write about, due in most part to reason ..1
3. On the occasion that something really amazing happens, I don't remember enough of it to write about.

Here are some things that I've been thinking about recently.

- If you're in a restaurant, look at all the employees. Find the most disgusting one. Look for the one that's drooling, talks much too loud, has two different colored eyes and oddly placed facial hair, and carries an unrecognizable odor. 9 times out of 10 it's the DISHWASHER! Does this trouble anyone else as much as it does me? The guy washing the fucking silverware that I'm going to be placing in my mouth is the most repulsive person in the building! Think about that next time you're in a restaurant.

- Being a delivery driver for a pizza place that rhymes with Pizza Slut, I get shafted on tips a lot. The other day though, something happened that really pissed me off. I took a delivery of about $25 or so to this housing development a couple miles out of town. By housing development, I mean a cluster of multi-million dollar mansions overlooking Cayuga Lake. Allow me to preface this little gem with the fact that the guy who ordered the food actually had the audacity to place his order under the name DOCTOR JONES. All I asked for was your name, sir, not your fucking profession or level of education. Asshole. So anyway, I take this delivery and it's charged to a credit card. This means he has to sign the piece of paper and write in a tip. He does this, and hands me the slip, and I walk back to my car. As always, I looked at the tip line because I want to know how much money I will get, and I see that this fucking tool wrote in $3 as a tip, CROSSED IT OUT, and then wrote $2. ARE YOU SERIOUS?! This guy who clearly has money coming out his tight ass hole (forget about his huge lake mansion, he made it known to the world that he's a doctor!) thought $3 would be a good amount, then analyzed the situation and deemed that to be too much, scratched it, and settled on $2. What a fucking prick. I literally get bigger tips from people in trailer parks.

-Everyone should check out the band Revision. I saw them for the first time when I was at school and after talking to them learned that they were from Ithaca. Although they tour pretty extensively, I was lucky enough to catch them playing a show in Ithaca last night. Their web site is www.revisionmusic.com

Another sweet artist to check out is a guy that jumped on the mic at the Revision show last night. I know him only as Terrordome and he is one of the sickest rappers I've heard in a long time. He's got a great flow and some thoughtful and interesting lyrics. I'm very critical of rap/hip-hop and most of it I find to be awful (especially most of this shit nowadays), but this guy is really worth listening to. Check him out here: www.myspace.com/teedome

I guess that's about it for now. I have to go deliver pizzas to assholes for a few hours and then come back here to get rested for the upcoming festivities. I'll be spending the next few days partying on Seneca Lake at my boy's lake house for 4th of July. Be jealous. Or call me and join in on the fun. Either way, don't expect any updates here any time soon.

Hilarity Ensues....I promise

2006-04-25T14:03:00.000-04:00

I know I haven't posted anything on here in a while, and again I apologize, but I swear Chris and I actually are doing work for Hilarity Ensues. As you might notice, the message board is temporarily down as we re-configure the site. Chris has developed a really sweet look for the main page and we are working on various other aspects of development before we can officially "launch" the site.

I'll say it again: If you would like to be a contributing writer, columnist, blogger, photo/audio poster, or anything else you feel you might be able to contribute that is original and funny, let us know soon! You can e-mail me with any ideas or suggestions you might have at THIS NEW ADDRESS: bryanlewis@hilarityensues.net

Good things to come soon

2006-04-19T10:28:00.000-04:00

Well hey there. I know I haven't posted an entry in a long time. There really isn't a big mystery behind it. (a) I have been playing poker online for about 4 or 5 hours a day (b) I haven't had any ideas worth posting about lately and don't want to post just for the sake of having something here, and most importantly (c) I have been working on a new web site.

Some of you may have been to the message board that I run with a friend of mine at http://hilarityensues.to.md

I was talking to the guy I co-founded it with, Chris, and I mentioned the idea of turning it into an actual site, not just a message board. We're not sure exactly what kind of site it's going to be as of now, but it will be based around humor. The new domain we got for it is http://hilarityensues.net, but it won't actually be up for another couple weeks. For these next couple weeks I will be spending a lot of time preparing stuff for the site so don't expect any new entries unless something really awesome strikes me (unlikely).

If you think you have something to contribute to hilarityensues.net, Chris and I are currently taking ideas. It could really be almost anything: articles, funny pictures, links, a blog, music, etc...anything as long as it is ORIGINAL. If you feel like you have something creative that you want to share with the online world and would like a site to have it published on, contact us.

Send any ideas, questions, comments, hate mail, etc, to hilarityensues.net@gmail.com

Random Observations - March

2006-04-01T15:04:00.000-05:00

Not necessarily intended to be funny. These are just some things I've noticed and thought were interesting.

3/8/2006
-When you're pissing at a urinal, do you ever notice that if there's a discoloration or some other kind of abnormality in said urinal, you will almost always aim for it with your piss?

3/13/2006
-Occasionally if I forget to shut a door upon entering a room, I'll hear someone say "Were you raised in a barn?" (this happened much more frequently when I was younger). Where the fuck did this expression come from? Do people who live on farms or in barns habitually leave doors open? I'd like to find out.

3/15/2006
-Ever get that little thing in your shoe or sock which pokes one of your toes very sharply? It's like a little needle or tiny sharp stick that is more annoying than painful, but very agitating nonetheless. Upon further inspection of said shoe/sock, however, there's never anything there. What the fuck is the deal with that?

3/21/06
-How come there is such a huge difference in the amount of time between clipping your finger nails and toe nails? I guess to answer this question, you'd have to investigate why toe nails grow at an abnormally slow rate when compared to finger nails. I think that for every time I clip my toe nails, I have clipped my finger nails at least 3 or 4 times. And it's not like I'm walking around with 7" toe knives attached to the end of my toes, they just don't grow at the same rate. Anyone else notice this?

3/23/06
-Will (the morning after a night of hard drinking): Yo, if you get me a water you can have one from my secret stash. I just want to lie in bed for a while and keep farting.

(5 minutes later, Will is still awake)

Will: I can't believe I'm using up all my snooze time lying here and farting.

-Ever look at someone that's sitting down in a chair (in a classroom, for example) and you've never seen them when they're upright? Then, when they get up, you realize they're about twice as tall as you'd imagined them? Shit happened to me today in class, it was very strange...

Don't Be That Person In Class!

2006-03-23T18:59:00.000-05:00

This is a list of people in class that annoy me to no end. I have mentioned bits and pieces of these characters in previous blogs, but consider this the compilation.

1. The Question Asker- This person is the one asking a million questions during class. They range from the typical "Can you repeat that?" or "Can you explain that? I don't get it" every two seconds to the absurdity of shit like any question that begins with "This is a little off topic, but..." Not only is this really annoying, but it also takes away from time that could be spent finishing the lecture early and me leaving class.

2. The Arguer- This dipshit know-it-all is the one who thinks that he is somehow smarter than the professor. Yes, I understand that sometimes the professor makes a minor mistake and can stand to be corrected. This is different. I had some guy in math class try and argue math theory with the professor (who has a degree not only in mathematics/education, but also engineering). Not to mention that the guy arguing with him was a complete moron; he must have been at least 50 years old but still in a 100-level math class. Save yourselves the embarassment and don't argue with the fucking professor, because chances are you are wrong and chances are 100% certain that you are annoying me.

3. The Question Answerer- This idiot could also be The Question Asker sometimes, because these personalities tend to overlap at different times during class. As is eluded to in the name, this is the person that feels the need to shoot up his or her hand whenever the professor asks a question, be it rhetorical or not. They come in two sub-types: the people who are too booksmart for their own good, or the people that are dumb as fuck but think that they are smart. You know you're a culprit here when the professor (continually) has to say, "Anyone else?"

4. The Talker- Possibly the most annoying of all these types is the group of people who talk ALL FUCKING CLASS. [If the three people that sit in front of me in History of Jazz Tues/Thurs from 12:00-1:15 ever read this, I absolutely detest all three of you.] It's not like I even care that much about the material. In fact, in nearly all my classes this semester, I am not interested in the course at all. But the fact of the matter is, I do need to pass them and when I have Jane and Joe Talkathon sitting next to me it makes it extremely difficult to pay attention. Shut your god damn yapper and save it for after class with the rest of the mongoloids.

5. The PDA Couple- Another disgusting situation. My eardrums are already being filled with the mindless jabber going on around me by The Talkers so naturally I should expect to be annoyed via my eyeballs as well. The PDA Couple is the couple who thought it would be really cute to take a class together. They always seem to sit in front of me too, so that I can be easily distracted by their stupid public displays of affection. They're always holding hands or writing retarded little love letters back and forth or sneaking kisses when the professor turns around like it's some sort of act of rebellion. In reality, all this is doing is making me want to vomit.

6. The Unfunny Jokester- This is the guy (almost always a guy, because most girls know that they're not funny...just kidding. But as an aside, seriously, Wanda Sykes, don't ever do stand up again) who likes to shout out things during class that he (and sometimes his nearby frat brothers) thinks is really clever and funny. He'll also field questions from the professor and answer with some sort of ridiculous declaration, expecting the room to erupt in laughter. Surprisingly, it never does. And while I'm on this guy, please, if you're going to try and be funny, while I don't applaud your attempt at humor, I will give you this pointer: answering a simple question with an intentional wrong answer IS NOT FUNNY. I'm pretty sure that shtick got played out shortly after junior high school.

And there you have it. I know that 6 isn't really a psychologically pleasing number, but I compiled this list in classes today and I couldn't really think of any more. I'm sure there are some out there, and when I find them I'll be sure to update.

Tucker Max Sued!

2006-03-21T15:01:00.000-05:00

That's right, folks. Internet comedy writer Tucker Max has been sued by some "socialite" and "PR Man" named Anthony DiMeo III. I'm not too familiar with this douche, but I believe he is an heir to some sort of fortune from blueberries. That's irrelevant though. He's suing Max because of a message board on Max's web site that he claims is libelous toward him. From what I can understand, this guy basically doesn't want anyone speaking badly about him anywhere and is being a big cry baby. What ever happened to free speech?

I can't imagine DiMeo actually winning this battle (he's suing Max for over $1 million). It should be interesting to see how this whole thing pans out, though. Here are some links:

Tucker Max's Blog

DiMeo-related threads on the Tucker Max Message Board

The Original Article

Another Metro Article

Another Related Article

A much longer article

Help spread the word about this case; it could mean very big things for free speech on the internet.

Post-St. Patty's Day Post

2006-03-20T16:08:00.000-05:00

I hope everyone's St. Patty's Day was as awesome and eventful as mine. I had an amazing day starting at noon and ending at 3 a.m. (or something?). Anyway, because I am a lazy sloth, I am not actually going to make a post about what happened because my partner in crime, Will, has already done so. Check out a photo-and-comment-filled documentary of our day here:

Will's St. Patty's Day Post

As soon as I figure out why my AudioBlogs aren't working properly, I'll get them re-posted for your enjoyment. Until then...

It's Finally Here

2006-03-17T01:42:00.000-05:00

As I write this, a little after 1:30 a.m., it is officially St. Patrick's Day! This holiday, started to celebrate Irish heritage (or some bullshit like that) has now turned into an all-out binge drink-a-thon. Not that I need an excuse to drink, but on what other day of the year is it socially acceptable to go to a bar at noon? That's what I'll be doing. Tomorrow (today) I will be waking up and going to play jazz music for a little bit, then heading to a bar to enjoy a very early afternoon drink or three. Unfortunately, I have to be back on campus to attend an economics class and then take an astronomy test, but soon after that you can bet your four leaf clover that I will be back downtown celebrating and taking part in various festivities. Then, after a few hours of Irish car bombs, beer pong, and other fun stuff at a friend's house party, the night will be capped off with an amazing show by Forman. That is, assuming that I am still on my feet after 9 or 10 hours of wild times.

Check back here for frequent AudioBlogs throughout the day.

HAPPY ST. PATTY'S DAY EVERYONE!

Hilarity Ensues

2006-03-07T13:42:00.000-05:00

As another way to occupy my time online, I have co-created a message board with a friend of mine. It's basically an open forum for everything ranging from humor to music to origianl creative submissions and everything in between. If you've got some time to kill and want your ideas or opinions to be heard, or you just enjoy reading interesting or funny stuff, it might be worth your time to check out. It's called Hilarity Ensues for the time being and can be found here:

http://hilarityensues.to.md

It only takes a minute to make an account and then you can start posting freely.

Bush Must Go?

2006-03-03T18:20:00.000-05:00

Get a new sign, hippies.

More Fun With AudioBlogger

2006-02-25T19:23:00.000-05:00

Preface:
This occurred a couple weeks ago at the end of a night of heavy drinking. Will and I had somehow strayed from the group, although I’m not really sure how that happened. We probably went to the bars or something. This five-part account begins at the bus stop as Will and I, plus a few other random people, are waiting for the last bus of the night to come take us back to campus. Enjoy.

Part I: Bus Station Action (2:56)
Listen for: slurred commentary about bus station; shouting to a girl who we thought we knew but it was not her; Will mocking a douchebag, followed by me calling him out; me being confused about recording.

Part II: Who Doesn't Love The Doors? (4:51)
Listen for: meeting ScreamKid; Doors quotes, Doors "singing" by everyone in the immediate area; me continuing to be an idiot and not realizing that I can just stop recording at any time I please, not actually having to wait for the whole 5 minute maximum recording time; Me: "Give me the 5 minute warning...Shit, it's 5:16 what should I do?"

Part III: Still Waiting for the Bus (2:01)
Listen for: complaints about waiting for the bus; a poorly-told Chuck Norris joke; me repeating things multiple times that probably don't even need to be said once; ScreamKid's re-appearance for a slurred batch of musical commentary.

Part IV: [FINALLY] On the Way Home (2:11)
Listen for: me continuing to talk to everyone I see; Will’s lucky seat; Me: “You’re not going to strike up conversation?” Will: “What do you want me to say?” Me: “Just say 'Hey what's up baby?' ... I’ll get them to record on my audioblog.”; me being successful.

Part V: The Nightcap (3:08)
Listen for: shameless self-promotion; way-too-elaborate “bros before hoes” rant by me, completely out of left field; the "Final Word," if you will, by Will and I; me being mysterious (there really was no story at the end).

Sidenotes:
-90% of the people you hear on these recordings were total randoms.
-We waited at the bus stop for nearly 45 minutes before the bus came.
-For some reason, I thought I had an elaborate tale to tell in the last AudioBlog, but in reality, I just got off the bus, walked the wrong way because I wasn't paying attention to anything, and then upon realizing I wasn't going to my dorm, I turned around and walked home.

Let me know what you think about these AudioBlogs. Lame? Entertaining? Stupid? Comments of any nature are always welcome.

Good Times

2006-02-23T02:53:00.000-05:00

Here's a worthy AudioBlog. Enjoy.
Warning: I go off on a tangent for about a minute at first.

AudioBlogger Debut!

2006-02-15T02:44:00.000-05:00

Alright, so it's not the amazing first post that I wanted. However, I did manage to successfully record myself and a couple of my friends on our walk home from the bars last night. It could be funny or stupid depending on if you know us or not (or whether or not you think drunken fools are funny). Anyway, a better one will come next time, I promise. This is only the beginning; think of it as a "testing 1 2 3!"

Oops

2006-02-12T13:13:00.000-05:00

I thought I was going to have something awesome to post last night. I have been saving this idea for a while, but given my intoxicated state of mind, I didn't do it the right way and it got lost. Some of you may know what I'm talking about. Anyway, I have figured it out now and there will be an even more awesome post coming very soon. Check back within the next few days and hopefully it will be here.

Television Commercials Part II: Superbowl XL Edition

2006-02-06T16:07:00.000-05:00

I was going to make an elaborate post about these commercials. However, something unexpected happened: almost every single one fucking sucked. There was a serious lack of effort this year on the commercials that are supposed to be the best, most memorable, funniest, etc.

The most creative ones came from Budweiser unfortunately. At least they made an effort with some different ideas. A couple of those stuck out in my mind (e.g., the one with the bear, the one with the magical fridge), but even they weren't all that funny. Another contender for "Almost Funny" is the Michelob Amber Bock Light one in which the girl gets nailed by some guy in touch football, followed soon after by the girl taking out the same guy at a bar. The only one that actually made me laugh was the one for a cell phone (Sprint maybe?) in which it was advertised that, among other things, it was "Crime Deterrant." When the guy in the commercials asks the other guy how it is crime deterrant, he gets a cell phone thrown at his face. I thought that was funny.

Some of the worst I can remember were the Burger King Whopperettes (how over-the-top and idiotic was that?), the Toyota Camry commercial with the bilingual son and father (which, when compared to the Camry Hybrid, made absolutely no sense), and among others, the repeated ads by ABC for Grey's Anatomy. Christ, after the 513948th time it was advertised, I was almost interested in what was going to happen in the episode. Almost.

Overall, I was very discontent with the Super Bowl XL commercials. Given that, though, here are my favorite and least favorite commercials:

Favorite Super Bowl XL Commercial: "Jelly Bun Month"

I think a certain amount of time was allotted for local commercials, and very surprisingly, my favorite one was a local commercial for Holland Farms. It showed a nun wearing dressed in her habit, holding a huge jelly donut-like pastry. An announcer then said, "Don't forget! This month is Jelly Bun Month at Holland Farms!" I thought it was so hilarious. Maybe it was the expression on the nun's face or something. Either way, it was hands down my favorite one this year. I couldn't find the commercial online, but to find out more about Jelly Bun Month, go here.

Least Favorite Super Bowl XL Commercial: "Dove: Campaign for Real Beauty"

If you haven't seen this commercial, check it out. It is absolutely fucking preposterous. It shows girls (with nothing wrong about their appearance whatsoever) with various phrases like "wishes she were blonde," "hates her freckles," "afraid she's fat." Dove has the solution though: they have actually created a Dove Self-Esteem Fund for girls! What a fucking joke. In light of the recent natural disasters (the tsunami, the hurricanes, etc) don't you think we could find a better use for this money? Not to mention we've got children in third-world countries who don't even have fucking clean water to drink or food to eat. But none of that takes precedent because little Susie is insecure about her weight or hair color, thinking that those 4 or 5 vanity pounds or some hair dye will make a difference. This commercial got me incredibly pissed off. If you donate money to Dove's Self-Esteem Fund, words can't even describe how stupid I think you are. Give the money to people who really need it, not some self-concious bitch. I won't even waste time making a list of different ways that money could be better used instead of going to Dove's Self-Esteem Fund. I will, however, offer a better solution: GET A FUCKING CLUE, GIRLS! It's very simple; if you don't like your appearance, change it! Think you're fat? Work out. Don't like your freckles? Use makeup. Wish you were blonde? Get some fucking hair dye! Use your brain; think outside the box a little, if needed. There is absolutely no need for a fucking fund, pissing away peoples' money trying to make you feel less insecure. Chances are, you're a lot better off already than most people in the world.

Well, that turned into a rant. Anyway, to see the rest of the Super Bowl XL commercials, click here. Hopefully we'll get a better batch next year.

Edit: I did leave out one commercial that was very funny. The FedEx commercial with the cave men was fucking hilarious, and when one of them left the cave and kicked the dinosaur I was cracking up. I had forgotten about that at the time of writing this blog though. Even considering this commercial, I'd still choose the Jelly Bun Month as my pick for funniest overall. You had to have seen it to appreciate it, though.

GTA San Andreas

2006-01-31T01:02:00.000-05:00

If anyone has noticed my lack of being online all the time, it's because San Andreas has consumed just about every waking moment of my life outside of class and going out since I started playing it about a week ago. I can't even begin to describe how addicting it is; those of you who have played it can probably attest to it though.
And if you have called me, I'm not so addicted to this game that I can't answer calls; I'm not that bad. Actually, what happened is I broke my charger and I have been too lazy to go to the Verizon store to get a new one.
So until I beat this game, I will probably not be online a whole lot. I realize this fact breaks many hearts, but I'm sure you will all find some way to deal. I still have a few posts that I am working on that are too incomplete to post as of now. Hopefully they'll be up soon (wow, how many times have I said that already?). Also, I might be putting up a quote/credo of the day if I feel motivated enough. Chances are that will also not happen, so don't get your hopes up percentN. JayKay! LOL semicolon paranthesis.

I Didn't Think I Needed Another Myspace Post

2006-01-28T04:07:00.000-05:00

Edit: I was, by no means, sober when I posted this. I edited it a little bit for spelling, but other than that I left my raw assaults on the English language as is. Enjoy.

I didn't think that this needed to be addressed again. Keep in mind, I am posting this after being pulled over by the Oneonta Police for an attempted robbery (for which, for the record, neither my friends or I committed). Anyway, I am SO FUCKING SICK of seeing this Myspace bulletin that I want to make the person who sent it shit out a goat. Here's what I got in a Myspace bulletin today:

"I didn't write this but here ya go...

I fucking have to agree with all of you who say people are getting fake on here. So I gave in and let's see who really reposts this. This is a fucking test to see who's paying attention. It serves to eliminate people who are desperately trying to add 'friends' like its a popularity contest in High School. This is a fucking test to see how many people in my friends list actually pay attention to me. Copy and fucking repost in your own bulletin. Lets see who the true friends are and I think I know who you are.....and who are the fake fags who added me because they want to have alot of friends...or should i say...associates. Repost this if you are a friend.. if you don't, Fuck you and you get deleted.. Don't reply... just copy and paste this in a new bulletin as FUCK A FRIEND"

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!! FUCK OFF! Get a fucking life. If you posted this to me, PLEASE DELETE ME AS A FRIEND ON MYSPACE. It would really be embarassing for me to be recognized as someone who "associates" with you.

Honestly, I would give you a lot more credit for at least attempting to post something with ANY sort of insight, humor, clever wit, ANYTHING. STOP REPOSTING STUPID ASS BULLETINS!

As If Blowout Haircuts Weren't Bad Enough Already

2006-01-25T16:28:00.000-05:00

Those of you who know me know that I really can't stand the blowout hairstyle that has been sweeping college campuses recently. It looks ridiculous, and the guys who tend to wear this hairstyle also tend to be complete herbs. That being said...

Today in class there were about four seats left when this Gotti-boy wanna-be walks in with his jeans tucked into his boots, his oversized down jacket with the fluffy fur around the edge of the hood, his indoor sunglasses, and of course, the blowout hair cut. He chooses the seat that happens to be directly in front of me. Great. Now I also have the privelege of smelling his knockoff Armani cologne as well. And as if that all wasn't bad enough, I now have a new reason to hate blowout hair cuts: I had trouble taking notes because I couldn't see the chalk board well with Sonic the Hedgehog sitting in front of me. Get a fucking normal hair cut please.

Et cetera II

2006-01-18T20:01:00.000-05:00

I am now back at school in Oneonta. It has been a couple of pretty wild days/nights so far, but classes start tomorrow so things should settle down. It is great to be back in the 2-3-1 with everyone.

Here are a couple links to tide you over until I post an actual entry:

Dress Jesus (at the risk of going to hell)

Like Boobies?

Chillin' Like a Villain

2006-01-14T14:16:00.000-05:00

I busted out the phrase "Chillin' like a villain" in conversation today. I'm not sure why, but it yielded an extremely hilarious observation by Paul:

"I'd like to chill like a villain. I mean, what could be more relaxing than high speed chases with the fuzz? And then sleeping in run-down motels in a state of paranoia?"

I had never even made the connection to the oxymoronic nature of this phrase. Funny stuff.

Television Commercials

2006-01-13T00:14:00.000-05:00

Here are some commercials that are on TV right now that I find to be funny/stupid/interesting/catchy...

Liberty Medical - I love the way this guy says diabetes. Instead of "die-uh-bee-tees," he pronounces it "die-uh-beet-iss." Not only does he mispronounce the word, but he has this accent that I think makes it even funnier. He also has a killer mustache that I envy. Other than that, I don't really have any qualms with this one. It just cracks me up whenever I see it (usually during The Price is Right). "Die-uh-beet-iss" testing supplies. Thank you, sir.

989 - I am not too familiar with the whole 989 thing (in our dorm room we receive your pretty standard 70 or so channels), but unfamiliarity with a certain topic has never really stopped me from forming an opinion about it. From what I have gathered, it seems to be some sort of advertising scheme for local businesses. What the fuck? Isn't that what commercials are for in the first place? Why do we need a whole channel devoted to it? I submit that we don't. And the guy who hosts it, Rod Wankel, is a total stanley. His name includes the words "Rod" and "Wank." There is no way he could possibly bring anything to the table that is worth my time.

Milwaukee's Best Light - "Brewed for a man's taste." Who the fuck are they trying to kid? Other than Genny, any ice beer, and Colt 45, I can't think of any beer right now that I like as little as Milwaukee's Best. The only reason it could possibly be brewed for a man's taste is that women find it so repulsive, even the minority of females that enjoy beer can't drink this piss water known to most as "beast." That nickname should tell you something right there. Brewed for my taste. Right. There's nothing I want more than a crisp, cold, delicious Milwaukee's Best Light. Mmmmmm...barf.

Baby - I found this commercial absolutely baffling. I'm still not sure what the point of it was. I have only seen this commercial one time, and it's probably the only time I will ever see it. It's just this guy, Stephen Collins (actor, father) talking about the miracle of having a baby. It's in black and white, which makes it a little more dramatic I guess. This chav drones on for a while about fatherhood and being an actor or something (I was too busy trying to figure out what was going on) before the climax at the end of the commercial: a website address. Baby.com. I was left just thinking "What the fuck?" I refuse to visit this link, so someone else try it and let me know what this is all about.

Snickers - This commercial kind of caught me off guard because Snickers commercials usually aren't intended to be funny; at least, they don't come off that way. This one portrays a guy in an office with various Snickers bars glued or taped to his head. A female co-worker of his comments on the fact that "no one is fooled" by his attempt to cover up his balding head. The commercial ends with a slogan: "It's only satisfying if you eat it." Clever, funny, and memorable. At least they made an attempt at humor, which is more than most commercials can say.

Hoveround - This commercial pisses me off for a number of reasons. For one thing, I'm not too familiar with Medicare/Medicaid/senior citizen benefits, but I'm pretty sure that the chances of getting a Hoveround at "absolutely no cost" is pretty slim. Somebody is going to be paying for it. Aside from the visually displeasing scenarios which are shown in this commercial (e.g., the kids roller blading outside with grandpa in his Hoveround, the lady navigating her Hoveround through the supermarket aisle like a Formula 1 racecar driver, and, among others, ending with the two old bags in their Hoverounds sitting atop the GRAND CANYON - I won't even elaborate on that), the thought that one day I may actually need one of these things just creeps me out. Bah, I never want to get old.

That's all for now. Keep an eye out for Television Commercials: Superbowl Edition!

Movie Review: Hostel

2006-01-11T15:35:00.001-05:00

I saw Hostel a few days ago. Despite poor reviews, I thought I'd give it a chance.
The first third is filled with 20-something male humor, a little plot development, and LOTS OF TITTIES. Seriously, though, there are more full boob shots in this movie than any other rated-R movie I have ever seen or heard about. Okay, now I'll leave the 14-year-old inside me behind for a few minutes.
I actually laughed a lot during the first third or so of the movie. Not at any bad acting, poorly simulated gore, or anything of that nature. It actually is pretty funny. The writing is clever and the lines are well-delivered for the most part.
About half-way through the movie, you can tell it is heading for a fucked up destination. The scenes no longer have any humor, the suspense builds up, characters start disappearing mysteriously. Although the majority of the movie is not especially grotesque or fucked up, I can tell you honestly that it makes up for it with a select few scenes. It's not anything vomit-inducing, but it's pretty fucking disgusting.
I read one review in which the writer said that Eli Roth wrote himself into a hole and just barely managed to get out, or something along those lines. I didn't find this to be true. At no point during the movie did I find myself bored or uninterested. I thought the ending was good, despite having the usual end-of-the-movie coincidences where you find yourself thinking "That would never happen in real life." Almost every movie has those, so it's not something I would hold against Hostel. Also, the whole concept for the movie is something that I'd never heard of before. It's not the scariest movie I've ever seen, by far; it is, however, something realistic, which makes the viewer realize that it actually could happen. For me, that makes it a lot scarier than any supernatural or sci-fi thriller or anything of that sort. I'm not sure if I'd recommend paying exorbitant movie prices to go see Hostel, but I'd definitely recommend seeing it at some point.

Overall Rating for Hostel: B

Poll (long entry)

2006-01-09T20:05:00.001-05:00

I'm going to start doing various polls whenever I come up with something. I'll try to do a new one at least once a week. This first one is about something I saw in the Ithaca Journal (local newspaper). I was browsing the local section of the newspaper, and I stumbled across the title Pornography driving wedge between them. I then notice that it is in the "Ask Amy" section, an advice column similar to "Dear Abby" or something of that nature. Anyway, the people write to this Amy Dickinson lady for advice, and after reading the first letter and Amy's response to it, I was baffled. Here it is:

"Dear Amy: My husband of 36 years is obsessed with pornography, which he watches on TV. He has been building this obsession for about five years, unbeknownst to me (we had not been intimate during this time). I discovered this issue in a very unfortunate way and became infuriated and left our bed. I thought that I was the problem, so I initiated intimacy with him, and we became a couple again, but he still watches porn and "performs," thinking that I am not aware of him doing so. I am having an extremely difficult time dealing with this. Our lovemaking is one-sided and only occurs when I initiate it, or when he was been drinking. He refuses to stop viewing porn, and he thinks there is nothing wrong with what he is doing. I feel he is cheating on me. I am an attractive, middle-aged woman. How should I deal with this?
-Worried

Dear Worried: Of course your husband is going to deny that his porn obsession is wrong. If he accepts that he has a problem, then he'll have to do something about it, and we all know that pornography is much less work than self-awareness. But really -- pornography is wasting your husband's time and energy. He is violating some of the promises he made to you when you got married all of those years ago. You don't help matters by silently witnessing your husband's "performances" without raising this issue with him. Please try to get your husband to sit down with a marriage counselor to talk about this. He might be facing some libido issues brought on by depression, age or alcohol use. He is taking the easy way out, but he deserves a chance to get his life in order, and you deserve the opportunity to be there when he does. If he won't go, go on your own. In the meantime, you might want to contact your cable company to review your channel options. Your husband could probably use a little more 'TLC' and a little less Playboy."

WOW!

So many things about this pissed me off. The main thing, however, should be very apparent to anyone who paid attention while reading this: "My husband of 36 years is obsessed with pornography, which he watches on TV. He has been building this obsession for about five years, unbeknownst to me (we had not been intimate during this time)." So basically, this woman isn't even having sex with her husband, and then she wonders why he turns to porn?! She's lucky she's not already divorced in my opinion.
It continues, though. If she watches him waxing his carrot to some porn and doesn't say anything at the time, what kind of message is that giving to the poor guy? She's sending him mixed signals at best.
Now, try putting some different parts of the article together: he only fucks her when he's drunk, she supposedly initiates all the lovemaking, he refuses to stop watching porn, she feels he is cheating on her...then what does she conclude from that? "I am an attractive, middle-aged woman." Sounds suspect, huh?
A number of things also bothered me about Amy Dickinson's response. Obviously she's giving a woman's side and not a male perspective on the issue. If this guy supposedly has "libido issues" but can still get it up when he's drunk to have sex with this (I'm assuming, here) ugly ass wife of his, then I give him props. And as far as this guy taking the "easy way out" goes, I agree with Ms. Dickinson; beating off to porn is a lot easier than filling out all those boring divorce papers.

What do you think? Is this guy doing anything wrong? Maybe being a guy myself, I can't see it from the woman's side very well. I really don't think there's anything wrong with watching porn, though, and I certainly don't think that this guy is violating marriage promises or anything like that. Take the poll!

Template

2006-01-08T17:59:00.000-05:00

I have temporarily switched back to a standard template instead of the custom one I had been trying (unsuccessfully) to complete. And yes, I realize the irony in having a standard template on a page dubbed "Nothing Standard Here." Oh well, not much I can do for now. Hopefully this will be a temporary thing; once I decide to re-learn some HTML and tweak the old one enough so that it doesn't look like poop, I will put it up again. Until then, I'll trust that my temporary "standardness" will not offend anyone.

Beans, Beans the Musical Fruit...

2006-01-08T16:26:00.000-05:00

...the more you eat the more you toot...right? Wrong.

I'm convinced that beans have an undeserved reputation for producing flatulence. I'm not a bean connoisseur by any stretch of the imagination, but when I eat them I feel no differently than when I eat anything else. If anything, it only frustrates me because I don't get the resounding-echo-throughout-the-neighborhood type of farts that I had intended on letting out as a result of eating the beans. If anyone finds differently I'd be curious to hear.

What other food myths have people found to be true/false? Let me know.

Game Review: Indigo Prophecy

2006-01-07T15:17:00.000-05:00

I recently purchased the game Indigo Prophecy for XBox. The back of it reads "Possessed by unexplainable urges, decent citizens are murdering others throughout the city. At random. In public. Control an ever-changing plot in this groundbreaking supernatural thriller that makes twists tighter with every move you make. Outsmart the cops. Uncover the truth behind your unspeakable crime. Battle dark forces as you roam the city and fall deeper into the mystery. Every choice, every action shifts and alters your journey -- you might pay dearly for your crime. Or edge closer to the unbelievable secret of the prophecy. The killer is you."

Sounds sweet right? I thought so.

I started playing the game, and it wass immediately addicting. Remember those "pick your own ending" mystery books where every so often you'd have to make a decision and you'd go to a different page depending on which course of action you wanted to take? This game has a similar concept. The plot line was intriguing, and you got to play a number of different characters relating to the story. I won't spoil it in case anyone decides to buy it, but it really is a sweet game.

It differs from most games in that it's not a "go here and kill a bunch of guys" and then "go there and slaughter some hookers" or anything like that. In fact, you don't directly kill anyone yourself. There aren't any buttons to kick, punch, or do secret moves. It's all about thinking and how you want to interact with people and objects in each scenario.

My only qualm with the game is that it wasn't long enough. Given, I played the game almost non-stop from when I got it until I beat it, but it took me less than a day to beat.

I'd recommend this game for anyone who likes murder mysteries (books, shows, games, whatever). It has a solid, original plot line and I was hooked immediately.

Overall Rating for Indigo Prophecy: B+

Fucking A

2006-01-07T03:25:00.000-05:00

I cannot stress enough how sometimes the most insignificant things can just make me so irritated. I was delivering for Pizza Hut tonight, and I was listening to my usual dose of NPR. It was a pretty good experience, as usual, until this one lady came on to talk about Financial Planning for the New Year. I don't remember her name; all I remember is that she repeatedly said ECK-CETERA or EX-ETERA. For christ's sake, the phrase is ET CETERA! How can you possibly be on a nationally broadcasted radio talk show and be taken seriously saying shit like ECK-CETERA?! There is neither a "K" nor an "X" in the phrase ET CETERA. This woman might as well have been saying "li-bary" or "pun-kin" or something equally moronic. As George Carlin wisely stated once, "Pay attention to the language we've all agreed upon!"

G'd Up From the Feet Up

2006-01-06T13:11:00.000-05:00

Anyone who knows me well should know that I am one of the most fashion-savvy people you could ever meet. I am always checking for the latest fashion updates and am a constant reader of fashion magazines such as Elle, Glamour, and of course Iconique. You can't be trendy and hip if you don't read Iconique. Keeping all these things in mind, I think I'm in a fairly good position to predict the next fashion trend. Given that I'm also "G'd Up From the Feet Up" and completely in tune with hip-hop culture, I'm going to make my prediction in that style of clothing.

(okay, you caught me...I just found those magazines in a Google search, and I am probably the whitest guy on the block. But for the sake of mildly amusing writing, I give you...)

The next hip-hop fashion trend: OVER-SIZED SHOES!

Think about it; remember Run DMC?

Now those guys were cool. Where has hip-hop clothing evolved to since then? I'll tell you where. Everything has gotten larger.

Pants are worn so far below the waist that often the "boxer shorts" or "tighty whities" are exposed. The pants are so baggy that, if seen from the side, could easily be mistaken for a skirt (or a kilt, if someone happens to wear extremely baggy plaid pants). That's somewhat of an old trend, though; baggy pants have been around for a while, it's just recently that they seem to have taken a ridiculous turn for the worse. I won't even get into these shorts that could easily be pants if they had another couple inches added to the bottom.

Although "bling bling" or "ice," as it is commonly referred to nowadays, was quite large back in the day, it is now larger than ever. It is more expensive, more flashy, and more HUGE! The bigger your necklace, watch, or earrings, the better.

Hats used to actually fit the person. Now, ironically, they are called "fitteds" and DON'T FIT THE PERSON. I don't understand this at all. As far as I know, 59Fifty is the most popular brand of these "fitted" hats. They always seem to poof off the person's head, and are worn so that their eyes are shaded or almost covered by the (uncurved) brim. Remember a long time ago when you weren't cool unless you had a half-circle curve on your brim? Man, those were the days.

Lastly, let's look at t-shirts. Typically, but not always, it's a standard "white tee" as it is called in the hip-hop world. More often than not, the bottom hangs down all the way to the knee or even longer in some cases, and the sleeves go well past the elbow, partially covering the forearm! It's true. T-shirts in the hip-hop culture are growing at an exponential rate.

Given all this, I submit that the only thing in the wardrobe left to catch on to this current theory of "Bigger is Better" is the shoes. So in the upcoming months, if you see gangstas and homeboys wearing shoes a few sizes too big, you'll know who called it first.

The Knife Fits

2006-01-05T15:31:00.000-05:00

I've changed the banner at the top of my page from generic Google Ads to The Knife Fits. It's a clothing company started by a few guys I know and they're going to have some really good stuff very soon. You can see some designs on their Myspace page. I also linked them on the right in my links section. Now go check their stuff out!

Cribs

2006-01-05T13:21:00.000-05:00

If anyone reading this ever gets rich or famous enough to have their home shown on MTV Cribs, please spare me the part at the end where most people (not all, but most) say something along the lines of "Get the hell out' my house!" Give me a break. Not even 10 minutes ago, you were all too eager to show us your fancy chandelier, (unopened) bottle of Krystal, expensive "whips" and everything else. So don't pretend like you didn't jump at the chance to flaunt your extravagant lifestyle (and superiority complex) for all of America to see.

Obviously, it would be nice to have that much money though, haha.

2006

2006-01-02T23:48:00.000-05:00

I sort of can't believe that it's already 2006. Lately, everything has been making me feel really old. Although I am a mere 21 years of age, it feels a lot older than it sounds. Gah, I can't imagine what I'll be like at 40. Anyway, I hope everyone's new year started off safely and happily; mine definitely did.

I've taken an anti-making a new year's resolution stance the past few years, and I continued that tradition this year. They never seem to work out, so I guess I'll continue living my life like I have been and hope for the best.

I don't work again until Friday, so this should be a week where I actually do some writing; we'll see how that actually works out.

Post Script: You will very rarely see any sports commentary in my blog, but two things happened since I posted last that I thought were worthy of noting:

- The Michigan vs. Nebraska football game (The Alamo Bowl, I think) was a fucking joke. I admittedly don't follow college sports very much, or sports in general I guess, but I can tell a poorly refereed game when I see one. This game was by far the worst I have ever seen. Michigan clearly outplayed Nebraska from what I saw, and despite these horrendous officials, could have pulled off a win on the last play (which was insane). Oh well.
- Doug Flutie kicked a drop-kick field goal in the Patriots game this past week. I don't really like the Patriots, but I liked Doug Flutie when he was in Buffalo for those couple years. For the record, it has been 64 years since the last drop-kick was made in the NFL, two weeks after Pearl Harbor. Anyway, maybe you don't care but I thought it was interesting.

Step Aside, Roseanne

2005-12-24T02:40:00.000-05:00

Can someone tell me why there are still reruns of Roseanne on television? This is beyond me. She's just another untalented fatty with an abrasive and annoying voice. Her show was unfunny at best, and much worse if you get critical at all. And worst of all, it airs on Nick-at-Nite, a network which has the power to air such awesome old school shows.

Roseanne fucking sucks and her show is a disgrace to late night television.

Et cetera

2005-12-20T01:09:00.000-05:00

A couple updates:

- As you may or may not know, I am once again home in Ithaca for the semester break. It's been a slow few days thus far, aside from working. I do, however, have off until Saturday, so I am currently looking at an extended period of lounging and general slothing around the house (and maybe even outside the house if I feel ambitious). If anyone wants to join me on my quest to see as much live jazz music in town as possible over break, hit me up.

- It's hard to believe that Christmas is less than a week away. It seems to come faster with every passing year. I haven't bought anyone presents yet, and unless I'm related to you by blood, you probably shouldn't expect one. I'm just a great friend like that.

- During my last night at school before break, I successfully completed my first attempt at Edward 40 Hands. A great time was had by all, and I will have pictures to post soon.

- A while ago I posted articles that I was working on. Come to think of it, that was over Thanksgiving break. Damn, I really am lazy. Anyway, I am still working on those and I promise they will be up at some point in the near future.

- I hope everyone is having a great break so far. More to come on Nothing Standard Here very soon.

What would your last words be?

2005-12-13T03:03:00.000-05:00

I wasn't passionate enough to feel strongly either way about Stanley "Tookie" Williams being executed. I'm sure everyone is at least somewhat familiar with the case by now. It has been all over the news lately. I don't know enough about the case to have an informed opinion on it, so I won't venture there. I don't even know how I feel for sure about the death penalty in general. What got me thinking is what my last words would be, were I confronted with certain death and given a chance to say them.

So I pose this question to you, readers: What would your last words be? Would they be serious? Insightful? Funny? Depressing? Would you say anything at all? Don't put yourself in Tookie Williams's situation; What would your own personal last words be? Post your answer(s) on the comments thread for this post. Whether I know you or not I will publish the comments.

Deaf Couple

2005-12-12T22:36:00.000-05:00

I have not laughed as hard in a long time as I did when I read this article:

Copulating deaf couple unaware of own volume

Some of my favorite parts:

--Officers responding to the calls found the sexual activity of a deaf couple to be the source of the noises, which were described as "cacophonous" by witnesses.

--According to Zipelli, "It sounded as if they were bludgeoning a cow. There would be a low moan, like a 'moo,' and then a 'bang' and a higher-pitched 'moo.' It was like 'MOO...BANG...MOOO!'"

--The sounds wouldn't stop-they kept getting louder until the floor was shaking.

--"We thought she had broken a leg or something," added Julie Klein. "The moans and thumping sounded like she kept hitting the wall, but her boyfriend was there too. I thought he might be beating her, but I was afraid to intervene."

--...interlocked in a "deafening tangle of sheets and frantically signing hands." After yelling a short while, RSO's had to physically stop the couple from their activity.

--We didn't have any idea that we were louder than anyone else. I just get so excited sometimes.

...and best of all...

--"This can't go on every night," Zipelli told the couple. "I like eavesdropping on hot loud sex as much as any other RSO, but if these noise complaints keep coming in, I'm going to have to cite you."

The responding officer likes eavesdropping on hot loud sex! I don't know whether I find this to be disturbing or hilarious. I think it's probably a little of both. Wow. At least this deaf guy is big pimpin'. I give him a lot of credit for that. That really was the funniest shit I have read in a very long time, though. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did.

This is fucked up

2005-12-09T18:52:00.000-05:00

Read this story:

Boy: Parents made me stay in 'box'

There are so many things just really fucked up about that article. It really makes me thankful to be me. As shitty as life can be, I am never in any sort of predicament like these kids are. Some people are just so fucked up; I don't even know another way to describe these parents. Making their kid write out the whole book of Deuteronomy? Are they serious? It figures that they'd be Bible-humpers. Oh well. Just thought I'd post this for anyone who might think their life is shitty. At least you don't live in a cage.

In completely unrelated news, Will has an awesome post about super powers that he just put up. Check dat shit out right chea.

The Fatkins Diet

2005-12-08T20:51:00.000-05:00

One of the top things I hear about (on television, in magazines and newspapers, in online ads, etc.) is weight loss. Everyone has a new diet. And everyone's diet is "the most effective" or "the fastest way to lose weight." Well I have devised a very simple, very effective diet for everyone to try. It isn't the fastest way to lose weight, but I guarantee (and by guarantee, I mean I think) it works. Even for those of you who have supposedly tried every diet and been unsuccessful at reaching your desired weight. My method is fool-proof, fail-safe, and best of all: it's FREE!

1. Eat less food than you do right now. If you can't control yourself, eat only bread, celery and oranges and drink only water.
2. Don't eat fast food. Ever.
3. Take bigger shits. More goes out, less stays in. Pretty simple concept.
4. Walk one mile a day. If you are too fat to do this, whenever you walk to get food, walk there and back twice before eating. Keep doing this until you are able to walk a mile, fatty.
5. Eat less food.
6. Be active. Any hobby will do, as long as it is not watching television, playing video games, or anything else that enables you to sit around all day.
7. EAT LESS FOOD!

Sitemeter Referral Funnies

2005-12-04T18:20:00.000-05:00

One of the features of Site Meter is the "Referral" statistics. Basically, it tells you how someone came upon your web page (in this case, my blog). An overwhelming amount are from Google searches. I was just looking through the referral pages and came across some really funny stuff. The following are actual searches people did through either Google or MSN and my blog came up as a result:

-->Kirk Fogg (by far the #1 search that led to my page)
-->emo things to put in your aim profile
-->Bathroom Etiquette
-->brooklyn blowout haircut
-->"tiny testicles" jokes
-->toilet flushing etiquette
-->breathalyzer vinegar myth
-->legends of the hidden temple
-->monte carlo deli
-->people who are pro-censorship
-->ricky martin impersonator + fat

The Ultimate in Home Security

2005-12-04T16:31:00.000-05:00

Can you tell Sundays are typically pretty slow for me? I thought this was somewhat of a Microsoft Paint Masterpiece, though, and I've decided to share it with you. It's my finest work of art ever. Click on the image to see a larger, readable version. Enjoy!

Dem Be Bitches!

2005-12-04T13:48:00.000-05:00

This is one of the funniest pictures I have seen in a long time. I am extremely happy to have that Y-chromosome.

Myspace Morons

2005-12-02T15:00:00.000-05:00

I hate these fucking people who send me annoying Myspace bulletins. You idiots flood my inbox with stupid things like surveys explaining who you are (even though I clearly know, because you are my friend - also, I don't care what your favorite kind of chocolate is, your first crush, etc. Please spare me next time.), fake missing children reports, advice on how to live life to the fullest, unwritten rules of life, and, among many others, the one that is by far the most annoying: the "I'm sick of fake friends on Myspace. You have to respond to this or else you will be deleted from my friends list." Oh really? That would be horrible. Here's the bulletin:
--------------------------------------------------
Fake friends
I have to agree with all of you who say people are getting fake on here. So I gave in and let's see who really reposts this.

Why do people who are friends on people myspace list never write back and why do some people have a million friends??

This is a test to see who's paying attention.

It serves to eliminate people who are desperately trying to add "friends" like it's a popularity contest in high school.
This is a test to see how many people in my friends list actually pay attention to me. Copy and repost in your own bulletin. Let's see who the true friends are! and I think I know who are...
--------------------------------------------------
I've gotten this bulletin far too many times; either this exact message, or one almost exactly the same. Have we stooped to a new low as a generation? Are you honestly that confused about who is your "real" friend and who isn't? If you are, I'm pretty sure a "re-post" isn't going to clarify things for you. And if you don't want things to be like high school, don't treat Myspace like it's some sort of fucking judge of your character or something. "This is a test to see how many people in my friends list actually pay attention to me." Right. Re-posting a bulletin is really paying attention to you. I don't even know. That's pretty ridiculous.

In completely unrelated news...my esteemed colleague and partner in crime, Will, is looking for someone to do a new template for his blog. Interested? Contact him or let me know.

Lack of Entries, etc.

2005-11-28T19:56:00.000-05:00

I apologize for the lack of entries lately. I was home for Thanksgiving and I had some pretty adventurous experiences. Aside from being a drunken fool, though, I actually worked on some writing, but there isn't anything complete enough to post as an entry. I've been working on some more extensive things; the recounting of my nights will only happen on an extremely limited basis from now on. I kind of realized that unless you were actually there, the stories are less than interesting.

Coming soon on Nothing Standard Here:
- Why Being a Broke College Student Doesn't Suck
- Jesus Saves?
- Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper and You
- Television Commercials (continued from my Myspace blog)
- Religion vs. Cults: A Compare/Contrast Essay
- Anything else you'd like to see written about - let me know.

Tucker Max

2005-11-19T12:48:00.000-05:00

Last night I had the great privelege of drinking with The Man, The Myth, The Legend: Tucker Max. I'll recount the night briefly.

The speech Tucker Max gave at Cornell was completely packed. People filled every single seat, every window ledge, every inch of available standing space, every doorway, and a crowd gathered to about 15 feet past the doorway. Needless to say, we could barely see him, let alone hear him. It was about 6:30 p.m. at that point and we decided to just go to the bar where he would be drinking at after the speech.

We show up at the bar and (as per usual routine) are the first ones there. The bartenders didn't even seem to know what was going on, so we just paid our $10 for the all-you-can-drink and got started right away. Sure enough, Tucker Max shows up about half an hour or so later. What I was surprised about, however, was that he wasn't followed in by 100 fans. Apparently, this was a relatively private party hosted by the Sigma Phi fraternity. We talked to the brothers though, and they were more than cool with us staying and drinking.

I was apprehensive about approaching Tucker Max and being "that guy," but I figured what the fuck? When will I ever have this chance again? So I walk up and ask him for a picture, and he's like "Yeah man I love pictures." I talked with him for the next 15 minutes or so and I can tell you one thing: don't be fooled into thinking he is this self-righteous asshole that he sometimes claims to be on his site. He was really fucking cool. I just asked him a bunch of questions and he gave me genuine responses, even laughed at a couple of my stupid jokes. He told Will and I that we "Weren't weirdos" so he didn't mind us asking some questions. All in all, it was a wild night. I got more than I could have asked for and it's still hard for me to believe that just last night I was drinking a beer with Tucker Max.

Pumped to the nth Degree

2005-11-18T12:16:00.000-05:00

In just a few short hours, I will be en route to Ithaca for Thanksgiving Break. I supremely excited for the home-cooked meals (Thanksgiving feast in particular), the drinking, the sloth-like home experience in general, seeing the Ithaca crowd, and the lack of anything serious to do for 10 days. Tonight, however, there is something that has me pumped to the nth degree. At 6:00 p.m. I will be seeing Tucker Max at Cornell University. He will be giving a lecture, and then going out to the bars afterwards. I obviously will also be headed there as well. I will follow this up with an entry tomorrow or the next day recounting the experience.

What?

2005-11-17T17:23:00.000-05:00

Just a quick post because I thought this was funny. It is the lunch selection at one of the dining halls on campus (Wilsbach, for those of you at Oneonta). They usually have some sort of weird dish, so finding something bogus on the menu isn't an uncommon occurrence. The menu really caught my eye today though:

Lunch

Grill Special
Monte Carlo

Deli Special
Vegetables and Pesto Baguette

International
Asian Jazz Salad

Classics
Menu Posted Daily

Vegetarian
Manicotti with Sauce

Vegan
Vegetable and Tofu Stir Fry

What the fuck is ASIAN JAZZ SALAD? I can't even imagine. And Monte Carlo? "Last time I checked, that was a car, not a dish to serve hungry college students." -Will Kahn

Also, check out Chris's latest entry. It's really funny and worth reading.

Learn How to Type

2005-11-15T16:27:00.000-05:00

Alright people. There is something that's really been irking me lately. It seems like some people just can't seem to type in any sort of normal way. It's bad enough that our generation is already getting dumber by the minute due to the excessive amount of video games and TV we watch (exponentially more than any generation that preceded us), but now a good portion of the online world types like a complete fucking retard. I know this isn't necessarily a new development, but it's really been getting on my nerves.*
1. Some girls can't seem to figure out how to type in their instant messenger profiles. Being the compulsive away message checker that I am, I tend to see lots of profiles on a daily basis. It's only girls, at least in my experience, that type like this. I am referring to two specific kinds of typing here: either the kind where there are no spaces between words, or the kind where there is just one space between every letter, regardless of where the word stops or ends. For example:

-- lookforthegirlwiththebrokensmile
-- livelifetothefullest
-- t h e r e i s h o p e
-- mygirlsrockmylife!

You get the point. Ugh, it makes me want to vomit typing like that. What is the point of this? Are you trying to convey that you are more "emo" than the next girl? Because boy that's sure a desirable trait...barf. Perhaps what you have to say is so important that it needs to be typed (in an AIM profile) with no spaces, or by spacing it so ridiculously that it can hardly be read. Yeah, that's it. Chances are, what you are putting in your profile is so cliche or "emo" that it either doesn't need to be stated in the first place, or it's something that no one wants to hear anyway. Check out the Golden Rules of IM: Part One and Part Two for some more profile/AIM advice.
I understand that some people are lazy, because I am certainly one of those people. But seriously, are you incapable of putting a space in the right place? I don't even care if you don't use proper capitalization, punctuation, or grammar, though I will rightly assume you are a moron. Just space your damn words the right way.
2. There is no need to inappropriately use capitalization. If you're not going to use it the right way, just leave it out. An example of this would be any jackass who types "wooOOOooOTTttT" or "ooo0o0o0o0ohhh!" or anything that resembles that. A similar form of online idiot is anyone who uses alternate casing (e.g., "yO sOn WhAtChU dOiN 2nIte!?"). Are you kidding me with this shit? I can't even take your typing seriously, much less what you have to say. All I can think of is that you are somehow trying to convince me that you are a 1980s wannabe computer hacker.
3. Okay, I lied. People who can't spell and use at least something resembling proper grammar piss me off too. I understand that if English isn't your first language it can be tough. That's cool. I'm referring to these college students (!) that can't put a fucking sentence together. How'd you even get accepted into a post-secondary school? Everyone misspells a word here and there, but when you type "definately" or the wrong version of "your/you're" or "they're/there/their" to me over and over again, I want to saw off my arm and knock myself out with it. Get a fucking clue.
4. Enough with the abbreviations. Again, being an extremely sloth-like person at times, I understand that you're lazy. However, we developed this communication medium where we don't even have to leave our seat to talk to people anywhere over the world (the telephone). Now, with newer technology, we don't even have to actually TALK (instant messenger, e-mail, etc.). Do we really need to get even lazier and write out sentences like "wutup yo im guna b @ tha bball cort b4 u 2nite" (for lack of a more creative or realistic example) all the time?

LEARN HOW TO TYPE PLEASE!

*As with any rule, there are always exceptions =)

Linkswap

2005-11-14T02:21:00.000-05:00

E-mail me at nothingstandardhere@yahoo.com or contact me on AIM if you'd like me to display your link under the "Links" section. I'll check out your blog/web site/whatever you've got going on and if I think that it doesn't suck I will link to you, provided you link to me on your site.

I am not a good runner

2005-11-13T17:59:00.000-05:00

This picture was taken a few weeks ago; I'm mainly posting it as a test to see what the images will look like. Anyway, while walking home from a party, I decided to race someone while I was solidly intoxicated. I seemed to temporarily forget that it has been months since I have done anything remotely athletic. Apparently I thought my chances of winning this race would be better if I ran barefoot (down the middle of the street). If you look closely you can see that I'm holding my socks in my left hand. I clearly lost the race, and this is how I ended up -- momentarily passed out on someone's lawn in downtown Oneonta. This is now one of my favorite pictures of myself.

Unexpected Turn of Events

2005-11-12T12:53:00.000-05:00

I don't think it's particularly interesting to document a night in a "We did this, then we did this, then we did this" manner, but bear with me. Last night started off shitty, got shittier, and then all of a sudden was just so awesome and fun that I feel the need to write it down.

Friday nights are presumably one of the two wildest nights of the week in terms of parties (the other being Saturday in most cases). I would assume this is true just about anywhere. Last night, a Friday, was not looking very promising for us though. It was almost 10 p.m. and we were still sitting around in our common room trying to figure out what the fuck we were going to do with the night. We finally hear about a party and head downtown.
We get to this party and it seems to be pretty average. After finally getting a beer, though, I realize that there's something a little odd about the beer. The taste is slightly off. It tastes almost like someone dropped a coin in your cup after you take a swig. It has that metallic aftertaste...hard to describe, but maybe you know what I mean. At any rate, it was disgusting.
I couldn't even down more than 4 or 5 beers before both kegs were kicked. This seemed to be true with the rest of the group as well. Our quest to get drunk clearly couldn't be accomplished there, so we headed out pretty quickly.
"Free Beer at [Generic Frat]! And Lots of It!" Those words were brought up via a cell phone call, and my eyes light up. Free drinks? I'm there. What sounds too good to be true usually is, I guess. These plans fell through completely. Our supposed "inside frat guy" was nowhere to be found. It's now somewhere around midnight and I am nowhere near drunk. This fact could be looked past if I was having a good time, but like everyone else, I was not. Walking around Oneonta in 30 degree weather without any alcohol armor to keep me warm, dead sober, with no plans on a Friday night is not my (or anyone's) idea of a good time. Going to the bars isn't even an option because those of us who are 21 are dead broke. I guess going to the bars every night isn't a good idea if you want to have money.
Anyway, Will ends up getting the OK to get some money out of the bank. This eases some tension, as with this newfound money, at least we can get drunk for sure. Our dreams are once again quickly crushed when Will realizes he has lost his ATM card. Not good. That situation had the opposite effect on the night that we wanted. We make a split-second decision to go to a local pizza joint to get pizza and pitchers.
This turns out to be the best decision ever. Somehow pitchers just keep coming to our table (Thanks, in most part, to Bootstrap, Justin, Sexy Rachel, and Sexy Mary. You guys are great). For no real reason, we hardly stopped laughing the whole night. Boot starts laughing with his crazy laugh (which was replicated by various tables throughout the night), Justin starts laughing at Boot, and before you know it we are all in stitches. It's hard to describe what was actually going on, but we were in an uproar for the majority of the night. Just due to our laughing, we caused four tables of people to get up and leave the restaurant, and the Oneonta Police showed up (the latter may have been purely coincidental...I like to think it was because of our laughter though). The owner of the restaurant actually cut us off towards the end of the night. In reality, we really still weren't that drunk. We were just having such a good time that we couldn't stop laughing. My whole body still hurts as I write this the next day. I really have never laughed so hard in my life, and I have it all on my voice recorder.
This story turned out to be much longer than I expected it to be. In fact, now that I have read it over, it probably isn't nearly as funny if you don't know me or the people mentioned. Oh well.
Moral of the story: Any night can be turned awesome with the right attitude.

New Look

2005-11-11T17:23:00.000-05:00

I have Chris to thank for my new blog look. He spent some time making me a new template from scratch and his help is greatly appreciated. The new look is still a work in progress, so it will only get better from here. I just couldn't take the regular pre-designed template I had up before so I wanted to get the new one in as soon as possible despite the fact that it is still being finished. Let me know what you think.

Where do they go?

2005-11-11T00:43:00.000-05:00

As I was watching Nickelodeon GAS (Games and Sports) tonight, I had a mini-revelation. Legends of the Hidden Temple was on, and I was having an awesome time watching it. What I didn't pick up on before tonight, however, was how utterly creepy the show is. For lack of a sober idea of how to explain it, I'll make a short list right now.

1. Kirk Fogg - He is the host of the show, and if you pay attention, he is a very strange guy. He's very touchy-feely with all the contestants (none of which are more than 12 years old). He also wears that stupid belt, which serves no purpose except for holding his microphone and Pendants of Life. The only positive thing about this guy is that he has an awesome name. Kirk Fogg? Is your name that sweet? No.
2. Omek - Aside from having a bizarre voice, this thing also qualifies in the "creepy" category. If you pay close attention, you'll notice that he does something whenever the kids go into his temple (final round). He MOANS! Maybe it's just me, but I found this shit to be really annoying, funny, and disgusting all in the same ball of wax. Is he serious? What the fuck, Omek.
3. The Kids Suck - This doesn't necessarily fit into the "creepy" category, but it needs to be said. Does nobody else realize that all the kids on this show are athletically inept? All I could ever think about watching this show as a kid is that I could do so much better than these jokers that were on there. I still think that, actually. Maybe it's for entertainment value. I'm not sure. I am very positive, however, that the kids that participate in these events (even if they're Silver Snakes or Green Monkeys, clearly the two best teams on the show) suck big time.
4. Every Team is Boy-Girl - Yes, this is another side note from the "creepy" list. I'm not trying to sound sexist or anything, because I'm really not, but admit it: the girls on Legends of the Hidden Temple are never as good as the guys. What is especially prevalent is their huge mistakes in Omek's Temple at the end. The girl seems to usually go first, and she'll take up two minutes or more, leaving the guy with one or less. I won't rant on this too much, but I think that they should have allowed people to choose their own teams, regardless of gender.
5. The Temple Guards are the Ultimate Creepy - This is relating back to the original point. This point is actually the reason that inspired this entry. How fucking creepy are the Temple Guards? They just come out of the nowhere and abduct these children in some sort of perverted homage to Omek. Furthermore, where do they take you when you don't have any Pendants of Life? This creeps me out more than anything. The Temple Guards take you off to some unknown back room and who knows what goes on after that. Luckily, the kid always manages to make it out to the main floor by the closing credits.

Geez, Kirk fucking Fogg. Despite the creepiness of your show, I love Legends of the Hidden Temple. I only wish that there were new episodes, and that they featured college students instead of middle schoolers. How sweet would that be?

It Starts...

2005-11-09T20:01:00.000-05:00

This is my first real entry as a blogspot blogger. The previous entries are from my Myspace blog, and I decided to post them here too because I like them. There will rarely, if ever, be so many posts in one day, I promise. I don't really have anything important to say right now so I won't bore you with trying to create a big-time first entry. It is Ladies' Night at The Rail tonight, though, which means that for $8 ($3 if I were a member of the female persuasion) I drink whatever I want until last call. I may or may not make a drunken post later on.

Saw II review

2005-11-09T19:51:00.000-05:00

Today I partook in an off-campus adventure that didn't involve alcohol. That was a nice change of pace. My roommates and I went down to the mall to see Saw II. Since I have a few minutes to kill before dinner, I'm going to post a short review.
Very few sequels live up to the original movie. That being said, Saw II fell into that category. The nature of the original Saw, the whole concept of the movie, and most of all the surprise ending put it easily in my top 10 movies ever. I think it really is in a class of its own as far as suspense/horror movies go. So despite hearing rave reviews of Saw II, I was still a little skeptical about it being "much better than the first" and it having a "much more surprising ending."
Although it wasn't as good as the first, Saw II really was an awesome movie. It definitely has parts that are more gory, more extreme, and more surprising than the original (excluding the end of the original). I liked the way the movie was filmed, and I thought the acting was actually better than the first. Sorry Cary Elwes, I really thought you were better in Liar Liar. Overall, though, it really wasn't quite as good as the first one. There are also many parts of Saw II that didn't make much sense to me, but out of respect for people who haven't seen it yet, I won't include those in my review (no one likes that guy).

Overall rating for Saw II: A-

That's Karma, bitch

2005-11-09T19:50:00.000-05:00

I consider myself to be a pretty nice person. I can be pessimistic at times, and sometimes I get slightly out of control when I'm drunk, but I almost always treat other people respectfully. I'm never openly mean to someone unless it's really warranted. Given that, I find it hard to understand how some people can be mean or rude for no reason.
On our usual post-party-let's-go-drink-pitchers adventure last night (might as well party on Wednsedays...it's Oneonta, why not?), we were talking about the movie Saw. We were taking a vote at our table of who liked/disliked the movie, and when only one person disliked the movie, I wanted to get a larger sample group. I turned around to the table behind me, and it happened to be all girls sitting there. So I asked something like, "Did you ladies like the movie Saw?" It's a simple question. I wasn't trying to hit on them and I know I wasn't being belligerent. Instead of being friendly and giving me a yes or no answer, though, she did one of those, "Ugh..." *sigh* *flip hair to the side* *give me a nasty look like I'm some sort of leper*
I turned back around, because I didn't really care enough to say anything more and call her out on being a bitch. I continued talking to my friends and drinking at a vigorous pace. Soon enough, I noticed the girls had left. Whatever, fuck them. Not everyone is nice I guess. I think nothing more of them until I see police lights flashing.
We all go to the window to see what's happening (I personally am never too busy that I can't take pleasure in somebody else's misfortune). Some girls have been pulled over on the side of Main Street. Sure enough, it is the girls from the table behind ours. This is too good to be true. There is a crowd of us watching this drunk bitch try to walk in a straight line, fail miserably, and then proceed to fail each field sobriety test that was administered to her. A quick breathalyzer was all it took to get her thrown in the back of the cop car and taken presumably to jail. What made it more awesome was that the other girls in the car were also very wasted and could not drive the girl's car. This meant that the original cop had to call for backup, and he had to drive the girl's car somewhere. Hopefully it was impounded.
This whole situation was even more awesome because we heard various comments from the crowd that was watching this all take place.
"Geez, that sucks."
"Yeah, that's really shitty for anyone."
"I know that girl!"
After the excitement died down a little, we continued drinking until last call, after which we got a cab back to campus. Who knows what would have happened if that girl had answered me. Maybe that would have changed her departure time by a few seconds and the cop wouldn't have been there to pull her over. I hope she reads this and is a little nicer next time.

(Un)Successful Mills Venture

2005-11-09T19:49:00.000-05:00

While waiting in the never-ending sub line at downstairs Mills, I found myself right in front of an extremely annoying person. It's bad enough that the line took about 20 minutes before I got to the front; to make my night a little worse, though, the kid behind me not only has a really thick NYC accent (which I despise) but he's fighting with his mom via cell phone. That was really fun, listening to Johnny Annoying Pants tell his mother why he can't get into law school.
I finally (!) get to the front of the line. I am so hungry by now. It is now my turn to order though. I open my mouth to say, "I'll have a 12-inch Italian sub please," but before I can even get a word out, Jane Sub-maker decides that it's time to re-stock the entire meat and cheese section. Perfect. It ends up taking her so long that I am served by her co-worker who is at the next sub "station" and has already served the girl in front of me.
I won't even get into the "I wish I could make my own sub at Mills" thing, because unless by some fluke you get the one or two good sub-makers there (okay I'll get into it), chances are you will get any combination of the following:
- too much meat (very common)
- too much cheese
- not enough lettuce
- the wrong proportion of oil/vinegar
- they don't even have half the ingredients you want
- entirely too much more of something when you request "a little more"
- any number of other mis-haps
A solid 30 minutes later, I am holding my sub. Johnny Annoying Pants has gotten off the phone with his mom, I'm standing in line to pay now...life is good. No, of course it isn't. Johnny Cashier decides that he needs to re-stock the plastic bags, even though there are clearly at least a dozen left. So instead of having two cashiers, there is only one, and she is not in a good mood -- this is also common. I now realize what is causing her misfortune (or at least part of the reason). She is stumped about something, which not only makes her unhappy, but also means that I have to wait in line for a little while longer while Jane Assistant Shift Supervisor at a Shitty Overpriced College Store comes over to show her which order to push the buttons in. Another five minutes go by, and I am in the front of the line. YES! I hand Jane Cashier my card, she swipes it, I have now paid for my sub (and a cup of coffee I got while waiting in line), and I am all set. "No, I don't need a bag, thanks," I tell Jane Cashier. "Have a great night," she replies sarcastically. She must love her job.
Time to eat. Thanks, Mills crew!

Hulbert Dining Hall Review

2005-11-09T19:45:00.000-05:00

Will and I decided to grab some food at the supposed new-and-improved Hulbert Dining Room. I can tell you that it was a big mistake to eat there.

-My cheeseburger was horrid. The bun was so crusty it almost crumbled when I picked it up. I inspected the inside, and found the toppings to be pretty old. The tomato slice was shriveled and starting to look like a lumpy red finger or something. The lettuce was really dark green and uninviting. The cheese was neither melted nor fresh; it was kind of a post-being hot phase. It was very hard also, which grossed me out. I never thought I'd crave a Wilsbach phase-burger. Needless to say, I didn't even take a bite of this "cheeseburger."

-I try the fries. Blah. Very cold and under-cooked. I try a few more just to make sure the first one wasn't a fluke, and of course it was not. Boo to the whole cheeseburger/fries situation.

-The pasta I got wasn't too bad, but it wasn't cooked enough. I decide to take a safer road, and get a bowl of cereal. Can't go wrong right? Well, almost right.

-There wasn't anything wrong with the cereal, but at Wilsbach they have awesome cereal: Lucky Charms, Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Fruit Loops, etc. At Hulbert, this is what they had: regular Cheerios (not something good like Honey Nut Cheerios, because they rock), Cornflakes, generic Kix, Frosted Shredded Wheat, and Raisin Bran. Did I accidentally stumble into the health food section or what? I get regular Cheerios just so I can fill my stomach a little bit.

-Before we depart, I decide to get a cup of coffee. It was so unnecessarily hot that it was scalding my fingers even through the cup.

Overall Hulbert Dining Hall rating: D

AXE: The College Shower

2005-11-09T19:41:00.000-05:00

I love axe. Not only do I have the AXE "body spray," which I think is owned by almost every single college guy, but I also own the actual AXE anti-perspirant/deoderant AND the shower gel. As I write this, I see the AXE arsenal in front of me. It's like a small army. I have Kilo, Phoenix, Touch, Orion, Unlimited, and Apollo.

"Why so many scents?" you might find yourself wondering. Why not? Variety is the AXE scents of life, or something like that.

Also, I tend to use AXE a lot for what I think it should be used for: an alternative to showering every day.

"Wow, this kid sure is a scumbag."

No, I'm really not. At home I shower every day. I just don't like showering in the dorm showers. They're disgusting, and the whole process of putting on shower sandals, carting my shower caddy and towel around, and walking all the way down the hall is so annoying. I still shower, don't get me wrong, but only when I smell or get dirty. I think it was George Carlin who once said that unless you're a garbage man or you do something every day that involves intense physical labor in which you sweat profusely, a shower every day is just unnecessary. I wholeheartedly agree. I partake in the "AXE shower" when I wake up. This involves a quick re-application of deoderant, a spray of the body spray on your new outfit (or sometimes, depending on how much you drank the night before, the outfit you passed out in), and you are ready to go. No disgusting tub, no moldy shower curtain, no uncomfortable shower sandals, no hike to get there...it's just a better experience. It's faster, safer (you can't contract any diseases or slip and fall in the AXE shower), and just as effective.

As it is, however, even the AXE shower can't save me today. I'm off to the dorm shower.

More Names I Dislike

2005-11-09T19:35:00.000-05:00

Currently, the last post on the Pet Peeves list reads as follows:

-Most guys with the following names: Todd, Darryl, Stanley, Guy (not pronounced "Gee," because that's cool), 'topher (when your real name is Christopher), and Ishmael. Ishmael mostly just for good measure.

In addition to these stupid names, I am going to add some more. Note that these are just the names I find to be disturbing, not the actual person. I realize that you could just be unfortunate enough to have of these ridiculous guy names and still be a cool chap. Probably not though.

-Bryce
-Blake
-Gaylord (let's face it parents...what were you thinking?)
-Blane
-Christian
-Herman
-any androgenous name
-I also tend to dislike any suffix on a name beyond Jr. or Sr. If you want to name your kid after you, that's cool. But it ends after one time. There is no need to be Blake Christian Kennedy IV. We no longer live in medieval times, and it's certainly no longer trendy to be the fucking fourth, fifth, or ninth consecutive guy in your family's legacy to have the same exact name. What happened to people being unique and original?

Bathroom Etiquette

2005-11-09T19:02:00.000-05:00

My roommate and I created this list of bathroom etiquette because it was really needed. We posted the list in various places around our dorm bathroom.

BATHROOM ETIQUETTE

Preamble:

In order to keep the bathroom safe, hygienic, and usable for all parties involved, we, the occupants of room 231 have compiled the following list of rules and regulations of BATHROOM ETIQUETTE, that, if followed, will make everyone's lavoratory experience much more enjoyable and fun. :)

1. Poo and pee in designated stalls (pee on the left, poo on the right). This will ensure that no one has to sit down on urine.
2. PLEASE FLUSH THE TOILET EVERY TIME. Although not flushing may have seemed like a rebellious act at age ten, now it is just unsanitary and gross.
3. Toilet paper should go in the toilet, not on the floor. Especially if it has poo on it, because there has been poopy toilet paper discarded on the floor by the toilet. Come on.
4. Sex in the shower is not frowned upon, but please refrain from urinating, or doing anything defamatory (e.g., flogging the dolphin).
5. If you vomit due to underestimating your ability to drink copious amounts of alcohol, or for any other reason, clean it up. It doesn't have to be immediately, but please make a conscious effort. This means you have to do more than just throw some toilet paper on top of the mess. This applies "double time" if said vomiting occurs anytime between Friday evening and Sunday.
6. Wash erroneous hair and toothpaste down the sink drain or otherwise dispose of it. No one wants your whiskers on their toothbrush or hands.
7. Attempt to pee in the toilet bowl, not on or around it. Again, we are no longer 10 years old, and at this stage in life, your aim should be pretty decent. Obviously mistakes will be made, especially if you are wasted; just do your best. Go for the gold!
8. If you clog the toilet, let someone know so the situation can be remedied and the next person who needs to drop a red hot steamer doesn't have to wait or hold it in. Nobody likes that.

Everyone thanks you for your cooperation.

Pet Peeves

2005-11-09T18:40:00.000-05:00

PET PEEVES

by Bryan Lewis and Will Kahn

****Disclaimer****

If you belong to any of these groups or exhibit any of the traits listed herein, you should not be reading this to begin with, because you probably suck. These are in no particular order. That being said, enjoy!
Edit: Will and I made this list just for fun; please don't read too much into it. It's just a list of stuff that pisses us off, nothing more. Don't take it (or anything else I write) too seriously.

-People who drive slowly in the left lane of the thruway
-People who use umbrellas. Get a jacket and a hat dude
-Americans who can't speak the English language properly
-"Non-conformists"
-90% of guys who belong to a fraternity
-People who always look to start a fight. Don't be upset because you have tiny testicles. It's a side effect of the all the steroids you're goosed up on
-Liars (especially girls who lie) and people who are two-faced
-People who do drugs because they think it makes them look cool
-People who talk constantly through class and distract me
-People who don't read books...EVER
-People who refuse to expand their musical horizons
-People who can't or refuse to admit it when they're wrong
-Anyone who blindly supports the Bush administration
-People who take forever to order food while I'm in line
-People who refer to professional athletes/celebrities by their first name, as though they are friends with him or her. e.g., "Pedro pitched awesome last night." Or, "Did you see Denzel's new movie�"
-A good amount of jocks, especially baseball, football and wrestling people.
-People who mispronounce words, e.g. Pun-kin or Li-bary
-People who charge inexpensive items to their credit card
-Vegans
-People whose first and last name don't add up to at least 3 syllables, with the only exception being Brett Shacht
-People who wear real fur coats or animal skin boots
-Designer bags (disgusting)
-People who don't care what's going on in our country
-Christian Conservatives/Christian Scientists
-People who talk too loudly in a public setting. You know who you are!
-Hands free cell phone kits and the douche bags that use them outside of their vehicle
-People who wear shorts outside during the winter, thinking they're unique or something
-People with poor umbrella etiquette. If you're going to be an asshole and use one, please keep the pointy things away from my retinas
-People who count the exact number of beers/drinks they had at a party; moreso, anyone who must insist on telling you throughout the night how fucked up they are
-People who smoke weed, listen to rap music and think they're Biggie Smalls
-Racist people
-Ignorant people
-White/Asian guys who dress like some homeboy from Brooklyn. Get your own style, you impersonator. Also, anyone of any race who speaks in Ebonics (Black English Vernacular)
-Guys who intentionally wear clothes that are too tight. You're so EMO
-People who are stingy with money when they clearly have a lot of it
-Anyone who wears one of those stupid WWJD bracelets. Also, anyone who wears a Yellow Lance Armstrong bracelet for fashionable reasons or any one of the plethora of bullshit bracelets currently sweeping the nation
-Anyone with a thick Long Island/NYC accent
-People who can't seem to flush the toilet. Although maybe this was a rebellious act age 10, now it's just unsanitary and gross
-Fat people who, although they know that they're fat, refuse to exercise or eat properly and instead just lay around all day eating more and complaining.
-Girls who say they're fat when they're clearly not
-The fucking Atkins Diet
-People who are so fat that, even though they are not disabled in any way, must use a wheel chair to get around and/or have a handicap sticker on their car
-90% of reality TV
-75% of all TV
-Fat girls who wear ass pants with "hottie" or "princess" written on them
-People who complain about contacts but refuse to wear glasses
-People who spend too much time in front of the mirror
-Girls who wear way too much make up
-People who have simple ass jobs but still can't do them properly, and I end up picking up the slack
-Anyone who plays fantasy games, e.g., D&D, Magic Cards, etc
-Girls who don't say thank you when I go out of my way to hold the door for them
-People who listen to bad rap music (almost any rap made in the last few years) and people who listen to the crap on MTV.
-People who overuse quotes from movies or TV e.g. "I'm Rick James BITCH!"
-People who get genuinely offended at stupid things, e.g., swearing. (Edit: Although I blog about lots of trivial things that piss me off, that should not by any means convey that I am genuinely offended by them)
-People who are pro-censorship
-People who contradict themselves on a regular basis
-When you are hanging out with someone (especially if it's a girl) and they make plans to do something else right in front of you
-Girls who lead guys on
-Girls who drone on about guys while in the company of other guys
-People who breathe really loudly, specifically in a quiet setting e.g., during a test. (Oh Fatty McGee, the fire department thinks the fire alarm went off again)
-Anything related to NASCAR. Argh! Driving a car around in a circle isn't a sport, and most certainly doesn't take any talent. If I wanted to watch cars driving around, I'd bring a chair to the god damn highway
-The abnormal amount of work due during the last 2 weeks of the semester
-The influx of bad Latin music after (and including) Ricky Martin
-People who complain about the weather no matter what it's like outside
-Jessica Simpson style boots
-Bad drivers in general. Public transportation is here for a reason, use it
-Females with facial hair. YOWZA!
-When you can't tell if someone is male or female
-Girls with guy haircuts (what the fuck is it with these androgenetic people?)
-People who prolong class by asking the most inane questions
-When the teacher asks a blatantly obvious question to the whole class, but no one answers and I feel obligated to (but don't because I'm lazy)
-People who wear professional sports clothes/accessories and don't know anything about the team except that the colors match their shoes and doo-rag
-The unnecessarily large (long) t-shirts that gangsta's wear
-Pre-ripped jeans
-How big of a deal it is to download music for free
-People who whistle along to a song, specifically if their whistling is slightly off key
-How these blow-out haircut-rocking, designer clothes-wearing, sunglasses-inside assholes seem to get the hottest girls. I have yet to find out ladies find so attractive about these guys.
-When someone suggests something in conversation but then doesn't say what it is; e.g., "You should have seen what Bob did last night, it was so crazy." "What'd he do?" "Never mind."
-People who say, "That's hot!" just because Paris Hilton does
-People who think Paris Hilton has any other talents besides what she can do in the sack
-When shirts shrink in the dryer
-Companies that knowingly pollute the environment
-The fact that it's "hip" to be into Kabbalah because of Madonna, who, ironically, was once one of the nations biggest whores. Makes you think, huh?
-People who talk online on AIM or some sort of instant messaging service while I'm on the phone with them
-Most guys with the following names: Todd, Darryl, Stanley, Guy (not pronounced gee, because that's cool), 'topher (when your real name is Christopher), and Ishmael. Ishmael mostly just for good measure.
-more to come later-